NEW YORK CITY – Last night New York City (“NYC”) was nuked to oblivion. Over 8 million people were killed and estimated billions if not trillions in economic losses. However, despite the total destruction of New York City, the stock market continued to reach record highs, soaring at the open.
“An all out nuclear war was priced in,” Jim Cramer known for being bald ape that pumps stocks said. “The great thing about NYC getting nuked is all of the infrastructure spending that will go into repairing the world. This will spur economic demand and GDP.”
Ten thousand nuclear warheads were launched from the United State’s nuclear weapons arsenal this morning at every country that doesn’t speak English as it’s primary language. Economists estimate that one basis point will be added to the stock market’s record highs for every person killed.
“Nuclear War is the most bullish indicator ever,” Chad Whitmore, of Whitmore Capital Partners stated. “Our firm has decreased our discount rates from 10% to 1% after the total destruction of New York City. We are going all in on stocks. Buy the dip.”
The Federal Reserve, best known for pissing on the entire monetary system, continued to print more U.S. Dollars and ‘stimulate the economy’.
“I haven’t seen my wife for kids in over three days, “Charlie Huynh, an intern at the Federal Reserve stated. “Ever since the nuclear attack on New York City, Jerome Powell has forced all interns to print money non-stop. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing the stock market is making new highs from our endless printing.”
Consensus believes the DOW will hit 50,000 this year. “If Los Angeles is destroyed by an earthquake you can bet your buttons the DOW will approach 75,000,” Ray Dalio stated. “Cash is trash and complete devastation on the economy is bullish for stocks.”