OPEC: ‘It’s time to start dumping oil on sea turtles’


Houston – With oil prices going into free fall mode. Oil companies declaring bankruptcy by the minute. And energy service companies becoming utterly useless.  The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (“OPEC”) had declared, “its time to start dumping oil on sea turtles.”

“We need to solve this supply and demand disequilibrium immediately,” Apu Nahasapeemapetilon said.  “No one is making money here.  If oil prices stay at this level, or worse, continue to fall, everyone is going to become poor.  I don’t want to become poor.  It’s time we start dumping oil and sea turtles.”

Dumping oil on sea turtles is a controversial way to increase the price of oil. Some sea turtles might die, and a few environmentalists might get pissed off.  But deliberately dumping oil on sea turtles is a proven way to decrease the supply and demand disequilibrium.  Every first-year economics student learns the importance of deliberate oil dumping. 

“Look,” Apu went on.  “We could dump 70 million barrels of oil on a few sea turtles and the disequilibrium would be solved immediately.  Sure a few sea turtles ‘might’ die, but we could save the entire energy industrial complex.  We would be crowned heroes.”

The last time oil was deliberately dumped on sea turtles was in 2010 during the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.  During the Deepwater Horizon oil spill 4.9 million barrels of oil were spilled into the Gulf of Mexico.  OPEC wants to increase this next spill by 14 times or 70 million barrels.  “It’s only a small increase,” a representative from OPEC stated.  “No one will even notice.”

“Dude, oil comes from the ground,” rising Harvard MBA Chad Chaderston stated.  “Oil is basically a green fuel because it comes from earth.  If we dump 70 million barrels of oil on a few sea turtles we are actually doing to do the earth a favor – returning the oil where it came from.”

President Trump said he is considering strapping 70 million barrels of oil to a spaceship and launching the black gold into space. 

“Launching oil into space would be a great way to store this product as Cushing approaches 100% capacity,” Steve Mnuchin said.  “Space is pretty big from what I have heard.  We could store a lot of oil up there.”

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