Portnoy appointed head of Protection Plunge Team


WASHINGTON – According to a forthcoming meeting, Dave Portnoy, founder of Barstool Sports, has been appointed head of the Protection Plunge Team (“PPT”).

The Protection Plunge Team is a nickname given to ‘experts’ who provide financial and economic recommendations to the U.S. President.

Portnoy has done more for financial markets than the Federal Reserve

“We are excited to announced that Dave Portnoy is now the head of the PPT,” a spokesman for the U.S. President said.  “Dave has done more to pump financial markets  than the entire Federal Reserve has done since inception.”

Dave Portnoy, known best for his controversial website, Barstool Sports, has recently become Wall Street’s favorite day trader.

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Known on Wall Street as Davey Day Trader, Portnoy takes to the social media platform, Twitter, to indiscriminately pump low volume penny stocks, troll former Wall Street legends and create viral content on day trading.

“Davey Day Trader is the perfect man to lead the PPT,” Donald Trump said.  “I am confident with Davey leading the PPT that stocks will hit new highs everyday.”

According to sources, Portnoy’s only job as head of the PPT is to pump stocks to his audience of Robinhood day traders.

“The only thing that matters is stocks going up,” Trump stated.  “The more idiots we can get to buy overvalued equities the higher the stock market will go.  Dave is the carrot leading the idiot horse.”