Portnoy Paper Hand

In an effort to stem criticism over the recently announced “Portnoy ETF”, Dave Portnoy assured investors the ETF will not be using his “paper handed” strategy he utilized during the GameStop Fiasco.

“The VanEck Vectors Social Sentiment ETF or BUZZ will not be utilizing my personal favorite ‘paper handed’ trading strategy where I sell stocks out of fear after losing millions on a botched trade,” Portnoy elaborated while eating a slice of pizza. “In fact, I won’t even know the login or username for the brokerage account where we will hold these stocks. My lousy paper hands will come no where near this ETF.”

Portnoy went further to elaborate how the managing directors of the BUZZ ETF have actually strapped a chastity belt to his weak paper hands to ensure he will never get a hold of any stocks in the ETF. “You see this lock on my hand? That’s my trading chastity belt. This sucker isn’t ever coming off. That is unless I can figure out a way to get rid of these paper hands, which I don’t think I will.”

The BUZZ ETF will hold 75 companies that have a market cap of $5 billion or greater. The top holdings are Twitter, Draft Kings, Ford, Facebook, Amazon, Netflix, AMD, American Airlines, Netflix and Tesla.