Amidst a growing mental health problem due to the COVID pandemic, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced he intends to personally breastfeed anyone who’s mental health has been impacted by the crisis.
“I know some of you have been having a bit of a sook lately, carrying on about losing your jobs or whatever. It’s beside the point. If you’re feeling a bit down, there’s really nothing a sip of ScoMo milk won’t fix.”
Touting himself as both a leader and a true family man, the Australian Prime Minster says he’s fully qualified to do so.
“I breastfed both my daughters single handedly until they were 9. Jenny was a bit of a prude and didn’t want to get her breasts out. I don’t have a problem with it. I’d sometimes dip my nipples in Milo first for a special treat. I think every Australian deserves the same.”
The opposition leader Anthony Albanese offered to match the deal, but the PM hit back, calling the offer “vile”, telling Aussies they are better off suffering alone.
“Can you imagine suckling on Albo’s teet? I’d rather suck raw fish bait. Disgusting. Besides, my nipples are in top shape, still a little tanned from Hawaii last year. The third one has a bit of an extra tang to it too. Albo just isn’t cut out for it.”
Mental health advocates have welcomed the plan, praising the PMs hands on approach to the crisis.