Portnoy Sex Tape

Bartstool Sports founder and day-trading firebrand David “Paper-Hands” Portnoy has launched a new initiative to supercharge his “Barstool Fund” charity organization which provides cash donations to struggling small businesses across the country. On Tuesday, Portnoy leaked the “sex tape no one wants to see,” a homemade video where Portnoy engages in an erotic encounter with an unnamed female which included the use of a dog collar. The video crossed one million views within the first half-hour as many traders, bored to the point of desperation with the flat market, clicked on a video they quickly wished they could unsee.

The halls of the New York Stock Exchange and hedge fund analyst rows soon echoed with sounds of vomiting and screams of “short everything that man has ever touched!” Unfortunately for the investment community, the list of things touched by Portnoy are immeasurable by modern science. Thus, selling focused primarily on Barstool Sports shareholder Penn National Gaming (NASDAQ: PENN) who quickly dropped by over 6% after the news broke.

Unbeknownst to the investment community however, is that Portnoy had taken out a large short option contract on PENN prior to the release of the tape, which when PENN dropped netted him an estimated 80% return for his Barstool Fund. Portnoy announced after selling the option that this is his “third fucking tape,” indicating that it was the third time he had used the technique to secure outsized gains on a short position. He then followed with the more reserved advice for followers to “fuck the dip” on PENN prices, which left many investors scratching their heads trying to develop an instrument that could actually be used to heed that advice.

Though the video has left many in the investment community scarred and seeking professional therapy, small business activists lauded the effort as the profits will go towards supporting struggling business owners. Furthermore, dog collar merchants across the country were enthusiastic about the use of their product in new and innovative ways.