day trading stocks

According to a new report released on Wednesday by the Chartered Financial Analyst Society, were it not for COVID-19, you would be at work and not day trading stocks in your pajamas.

“We found strong evidence suggesting if the COVID-19 pandemic did not happen all of the Robinhood day traders would be at work today and not day trading stocks in their footie pajamas,” the report read. “In addition, you would not be a crypto coin millionaire with a fat stimulus check but instead you’d be a boring sap making minimum wage flipping burgers at Wendy’s.”

The report went on to conclude that short only hedge funds would not have blow up this year and Tesla would still be trading at only $200 per share. “If it were not for the COVID-19 pandemic, valuable hedge funds, which provide a whole lot of incremental value to society (especially single mothers) would still be around.”