Report: United States Pegs Dollar to Tulip Bulbs

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Washington – In an exciting turn of events, the United States government has pegged the U.S. Dollar to Tulip Bulbs.  “We realized with all of the money printing going on we needed to peg the U.S. Dollar to something stable,” Steve Mnuchin, Treasury Secretary stated.  “After reading up on some financial history we realized the most stable asset to peg the U.S. Dollar to was Tulip Bulbs.”

Tulip Bulbs have been a stable asset sophisticated investors have stored money in for years.  During times of instability, Tulip Bulbs have increased in value while speculative assets like equities have decreased in value. 

Trump took to Twitter announcing the recent development in the world’s reserve currency.  “The Great and powerful U.S. Dollar is now pegged to Tulip Bulbs.  This is greatest development our administration has done – with no thanks from the Do Nothing Democrats.  Liberate the U.S. Dollar!”

Each dollar you hold can now be converted into one tulip bulb.  “Our money machines have gone brrrr for quiet a while now,” Mnuchin spoke.  “Given the volatility of global markets, it was time we pegged the U.S. Dollar against something stable like a Tulip Bulb.” 

Investor confidence is expected to reach an all-time high given the recent development of the world’s reserve currency.  “I have already bought 100,000 tulip bulbs,” said Paul Krugman.  “I don’t think there will ever be another recession in our lifetimes.”

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