WASHINGTON, DC – Somber research from ISS Consulting suggests that 90% of Americans would rather burn to death than have Trump or Biden as President.
The research was conducted through an online Twitter poll asking users who they would rather have as President: Trump, Biden, or Burn To Death, the poll stated. Over 589,000 people voted in the poll with 90% saying they would rather burn to death.
“I’d rather burn in a house fire than see Trump or Biden as President,” Cynthia Demates, 27, stated. Lewis Howe, 47, said he plans to light his crotch on fire the moment Trump or Biden are elected. “I already have gasoline soaked panties I plan to wear come election night.”
Stock futures collapsed the moment this news was released as investor panicked there would be no one to hold the Tesla bag. Sixty seconds later they soared as investors realized this was a farce, similar to the threat of someone moving to Canada based on election results.