Universal Healthcare, Doctor

MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – In a ground-breaking development for insurers, healthcare providers, and the infirm, Robinhood claims to have cracked the riddle for universal healthcare: infinite leverage on Health Savings Accounts. The company, known for its simple user interface and no-commission trades, came under fire in November 2019 when users found a glitch allowing them to trade stocks with unlimited borrowed funds.

“We live by a fail-fast mentality at Robinhood,” VP of Engineering Surabhi Gupta said. “The original infinite leverage bug was accidental, but we caught it early and challenged our marketing team to turn it into a feature. The result was the Infinite HSA, or IHSA for short.” 

With an IHSA account, Robinhood users can invest unlimited borrowed funds while enjoying the tax advantages of a standard HSA, such as tax-free growth on investments and tax-free withdrawals for use on qualifying medical expenses, as outlined in the IRS Publication 969.

United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Alex Azar was quick to praise the ingenuity shown by Robinhood engineers.

“For decades, we have been trying to keep profits in the hands of the pharmaceutical, insurance, and healthcare companies I spent my entire career lobbying for. Now, we have a way to provide affordable healthcare to Americans as well, thanks to the brilliant minds at Robinhood – an elegant solution all-around. For once, there are literally no losers.”

ISHA for Erectile Dysfunction

Azar, a sharp critic of previous universal healthcare proposals like Medicare for All, intends to open an IHSA as soon as it is available. “For the erectile dysfunction medication,” he added.

“Secretary Azar is absolutely right,” said Faiz Shakir, former campaign manager for the failed 2020 Bernie Sanders Presidential Campaign. “Previous attempts at reaching universal healthcare were democratically unsuccessful. We have always been drawn to Robin Hood, the historical figure. The idea of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor gives all members of Team Bernie nocturnal emissions. We never would have thought that the key to universal healthcare was under our nose the whole time, disguised as a smart phone app.” 

According to Gupta, the IHSA feature will be released in the next software update. Account holders with existing HSAs can transfer funds to the IHSA for a one-time fee of $5.

It is unclear whether the IHSA will cover mental health issues, such as the kind that would possess people to use a shitty app like Robinhood in the first place.

By Captain Nasdaq (Twitter: @CaptainNasdaq)