BOSTON – Bill Belichick has always been known to push the boundaries of sportsmanship when it come to gaining an edge over his opponents. This time he has pushed the boundaries of the law. In a press release from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, Bill Belichick has been fined $427 billion for breaking curfew in order to scout looters for arm strength and foot speed in order to fill out the Patriots roster for the upcoming season.
When reached for comment, Bill Belichick begrudgingly answered in the tone of a man that is having his time wasted by an inferior subhuman, “I’m always willing to give a criminal, no matter how egregious their crime was, a second chance if it will help the team improve our time of possession even by 0.0001s. I would punch a baby in the face if it meant our red zone conversion would improve by a tenth of a percent. There are no shortcuts to building a team each season. You build the foundation brick by brick.”
There are also unconfirmed reports that Belichick has been hacking into street security cameras in order to do remote scouting from his secret lair. The NFL has committed $4.3 billion to investigate and have requested Tom Brady’s mobile phone just because.