Sad: Zero Percent of Elementary School Children want to be Investment Bankers when they grow up


School Survey – From a recent survey conducted in Elementary Schools across America, sadly, zero percent of elementary school children want to become investment bankers when they grow up.  “I want to become a nurse,” Emily Russell, 7, said.  “I want to become a fireman,” Justin Miller, 10, said.  “I want to become a spaceship,” Ralph Hugh, 8, from the special education group said.  Sadly, zero percent of the 35 million participants said they want to become investment bankers when they grow up.

Stephanie Hart, 11, asked, “what is an investment banker?”  Aiden Green said, “my daddy is an investment banker and he is a miserable person to be with the small amount of time I actually see him.” Mike Jones, 4, just drooled and babbled about nothing.

“We tried to explain to these kids what investment bankers do,” a representative from Goldman Sacs explained.  “They just gave us blank stares and some started crying.”

This news that literally zero kids in America want to become investment bankers when they grow up comes during troubling times.  “We investment bankers are the ones keeping America together during COVID-19,” Mark Sampson, Bank of America Investment Banker stated.  “Without the investment bankers the world would have fallen apart already.  We are basically heroes.”

Investment banking firms across America are rallying together to try to get more young kids excited about being bankers when they grow up.  “If we don’t teach kids the value of an investment banker, who will?”

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