I initially became drawn to the Sol Pais story because she didn’t fit the profile a typical school shooter. She was a young female – an attractive one at that. Not an angry, distraught man – who has some hatred against the society who created the demon inside.
I began reading news report after news report.
Every article on Sol Pais said she was a dangerous, armed woman looking to shoot up Columbine high school. Most of the news sources claimed she had a website where she wrote her thoughts in a type of deranged journal.
I needed to find this website.
It was harder than I thought to find her website. All these news sources mentioned the website but did not directly source it or provide a link. It made me think that there was going to be some fucked up shit on there.
Eventually I found the website. That is when my obsession with Sol Pais began.
“Holy fucking shit”, I thought to myself. “This website is unironically a work of art. Did she kill herself for exposure? Is she the modern existential artist?”
Her website was filled with philosophical literature (that I did not think) an 18-year-old would be familiar with.
She named dropped and quoted Albert Camus’, “The Rebel”.
She quoted Dostoyevsky Fyodor’s Notes from the Underground.
She listed The Nobodies (a Columbine tribute song) by Marylin Manson at the bottom of the homepage.
It was a fucking work of art. There were hidden links everywhere.
There were links to old aesthetic 90s sites.
Links to Anarchist Cookbook type sites that taught you how to make bombs.
Even a music page where filled with songs by The Deftones, Nine Inch Nails, Smashing Pumpkins and Marylin Manson.
By this point I wanted to know who this 90s obsessed, existential l girl was.
The pictures the mainstream media blasted off made Sol look fake and even irregular. Many questioned the validity of the pictures of the real person – I did as well.
I scrounged the internet trying to find a digital footprint of this girl named Sol Pais. I searched far and wide with little luck.
I made a list of known classmates to find clues on who this troubled girl really was. I searched the Miami Beach High School website. But all I could find was the dissolvedgirl National Gun Forum profile page (found here) and her apparent website (found here).
I did end up finding a Twitter handle she used (@solpaisx) – which was deleted at the time I was searching – but looks to be back online now (though the Tweets are protected and of no help).
I questioned that actual existence of this girl even more when the website she operated changed.
I don’t think many people saw that other than me. I blasted that on our Twitter page and got immediate attention from the Twitter community following the Sol Pais story.
It seemed weird that her website would change only days after it was reported that she was found dead. I later learned that her website is extremely easy to hack into and some hackers changed the page.
I almost gave up on trying to figure out who Sol Pais was until I clicked on a hidden link on her page.
If you go down to the bottom of her music page and click on the third picture (pictures of music albums) on the right. It will lead you to this page. It called the NIN Secret Page.
If you click on the video it will lead you to this YouTube video.
The person who uploaded the page is named Vodka (Dylan Klebold’s nickname).
Clicking on the Vodka username leads you to their YouTube username page which begins to play this sinister video.
Watch it!
It begins by saying, “Hey, so you found my channel.”
The screen rolls and then says, “I don’t think that is a good idea.”
Next it says, “Why don’t you turn back around?”
“Oh, wait.” The page says next.
“It’s too late for that.”
The video immediately flashes the dead bodies of Eric and Dylan.
I think to myself, “am I in some weird creepypasta world now?”
It then shows clips and pictures of other school shooters and serial killers.
At the end of the video it says SUKI and gives links to subscribe to other content.
I thought I landed on a goldmine of Sol Pais information that no one else has found.
If you search around on that page it will lead you to a Tumblr page that is pretty much dedicated to Columbine, school shooters and other serial killers.
Another link lead to a Discord Page dedicated to school shooters. This page is now taken down.
I made a profile under the name “Saint Vodka” and messaged the creator Suki. I also posted in the group asking if anyone knew Sol Pais but don’t have the screenshot of that.
When I got in the Discord group it looks like the FBI had already created a fake user to try to infiltrate the page. People were freaking out about a guy named Colby – who they claimed was an FBI agent.
I don’t think the group knew who Sol Pais was. However, it was equally weird that there are subcultures on the internet dedicated to school shootings. What is even more weird is that Suki (her Twitter page here) is another young girl who seems just as obsessed with Columbine as Sol was.
Soon pictures of Sol Pais started to flood Twitter. We posted them in our Twitter Thread here.
She definitely was a real person. A sad soul.
I decided to read through every one of her handwritten journal posts and type them up (they are found at the end of this article in the Appendix).
The journals are a sad cry out for help.
She consistently mentions how she doesn’t think she is in the right world – she’s in the wrong universe – a soul trapped in the wrong time.
She writes a love letter dedicated to someone named “E” – I’m pretty sure this is to Eric Harris.
And she has planned her suicide for at least over a year. She mentions how she is too young to execute her plan (buy a gun and kill herself).
If you are interested in understanding Sol Pais you must read the journals. You will get into the head of Sol Pais – a trapped soul in the wrong universe, the wrong time.
After reading through her journals we believe she wasn’t planning on hurting anyone. Nowhere in the journals does it say she wants to hurt anyone other than herself.
Sol felt like she was supposed to be from the 90s. I think she was in love with Eric Harris. Of the pictures the internet has floating around on here several shirts she wear have Colorado on them.
This has been a planned suicide for a least over a year. Premeditated? Yes, but only for her own life.
Appendix:
Page One:
- Being alive is fucking overrated
- How do I pull it out of me?
- I’m fucking empty
- Trying to remember
- Broke through the surface and… (continues on next page)
Page Two: Deftones lyrics – Back to School
Push back the square
now that you need her in the throat (well there you go)
Cause back in school
we are all leaders of it all
transpose
or stop your lies
it’s what you do
Push back the square
now that you need her but you don’t
(so there you go)
Cause back in school
we are the leaders of all
so transpose
or stop your lies
Page Three:
- In the process of culmination…?
- LOVE IS
Page Four: Deftones lyrics to the song Knife Party
I could float here forever…
Anemic and sweet…
And come in…
And lay down…
Page Five:
Hit with a discomfort that I can’t shake
Off, that I can’t turn off not disillusionment,
It’s…there’s something wrong it’s in the air
And I cant shake it off. Something’s wrong with
The time, this time. Supposed to be another…don’t
Know why I’m here and not t here. What the
Fuck is in the sky it’s too fucking livid
It’s too quiet. Disquiet that’s the word.
- 1:33PM, Sunday May 27th.
Page Six:
I Can’t get out
Despite all my rage (these are lyrics to the Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with Butterfly Wings)
Page Seven: This picture is from the Smashing Pumpkins Album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Page Eight: I’m pretty sure this is a tribute to Eric Harris
There isn’t a doubt in my mind
That soon I will be back where
I need to be…
Back home…
Back with you (E)
Something inside of me
Telling me to
Trust…
Soon
Soon
Soon
Will it be
Okay?
Please
Please
Please…
Be ok with you…
Page Nine: Sounds like she thought she was supposed to be born in the 90s with Eric.
I think I’m losing my mine…I mean
Really really losing my fucking mind or this
Life is fucking with me big time weird things
Happening every day…my perception of things is
Changing, I think thoughts I’ve never had before…
I’ve been wishing to go back in time to my reality,
Since then everything has been morphing…slowly and
Slowly I have been realizing t hat I don’t feel
Out of place for just no reason I think…life
Messed up. Glitched I’m not suppose to be here
Now not in a depressing I’m not supposed to be
Slice by, like my existence was misplaced in time.
This journey is a slow one but I can feel it
In my bones…maybe I’m going back> time
Weeks in strange, strange ways…might find a portal
To my reality someday soon in my bedroom might go
To sleep one night and wake up in that time, in
That year…trying to think about it still logically
Scientifically…but this has a lot to do with
Fate…my life is in the hands of time and fate
Right now…I never trusted my intuition but I
Have been feeling otherworldly things since one specific
Night…l’ve discovered a part of yourself, growing
More and more into myself every day where I really
Am…I have discovered that I’m not at home.
6/1/2018
Page Ten: Talk Hard is a 1990 Comedy-drama film. Mark reminds the students to “talk hard.” As the film ends, the voices of other students (and even one of the teachers) speak as intros for their own independent stations, which can be heard broadcasting across the country.
There is no such thing as harmless power refers to “The struggle of the state and other essays by Nestor Makhno. “Whether that power styles itself bourgeois, socialist or Bolshevik-Communist or worker-peasant power, it all comes down to the same thing: it is every whit as damaging to a wholesome and happy individual as it is to society at large. The nature of all State power is everywhere identical: it tends to annihilate the freedom of the individual, turning him, spiritually, into a slave, and physically into a lackey, before putting him to use for the filthiest tasks. There is no such thing as harmless power.”
TALK HARD
There is no such
Think as harmless
Power
Page Eleven: I’m not sick but I’m not well refers to the Harvey Danger song, Flagpole Sitta. I don’t know what the second entry on this page says.
I’m not sick
But I’m not well
Frisil &
Badass??
Page Twelve: I think this is her own words. A somewhat dark poetic stance.
“Defile the
Earth with
My ignorable
Suffering”
Page Thirteen:
Anything I criticize
I end up becoming
Page Fourteen: This might refer to the 1994, Strangelove song, “I Will Burn”
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
WILL I BURN
Page Fifteen:
NULL
I know I’m stuck in the wrong
Reality so…I guess nothing I do
Really matters
Page Sixteen:
I was so young and things
Were happening in the world
And I had no ideas these
Things would later come into my
Life and prove to be so cataclysmic
To my nature and they would become
A part of me and they were there
All along and before I was so young
And these things were manifesting
And I had no idea
They were waiting for me
Page Seventeen:
I know how important hardship is in
Getting the truth and that scares me
But, in the end…
Page Eighteen:
6.17.18
I don’t know how to fucking
Be human and I thought for
All my life , that the struggle was
Normal, but it’s fucking not.
It took me years and years to
Figure out that I’m like this
Even though I could feel it all
Throughout my life again and again I
Encountered discrepancies in my life
And my life only – things that
Nobody else now or experienced
I could just fucking sense that
Something was off. I always knew I
Was a fucking child and I knew you
Don’t even realize how traumatizing
It is to be a child and feel the
Wrong-ness of your own existence
And not know what that feeling was
God every time I think about that I
Scare myself. I’ve lived like this my
Whole life I had to experience
Those things as a kid. The cruelty
There is unholy you don’t
Fucking understand
Page Nineteen:
The more I try to explain or describe
My circumstances the more I realize it
Cannot be explained and even further, it
Just cannot be understood by other if
You’re reading this and you think you
Understand, please listen to me you do
Not. You are never going to know what
This really feels like, never not once
In your fucking life I don’t know
What this is, and yet I know exactly
What this is I don’t understand but
I fucking do. It makes no fucking sense
But it does. God its everywhere. Just this
Terrible feeling of not belonging or better
Said, it is discomfort, it is disport
Disharmony in the air, in the silence i
Can almost hear it sometimes I cant even
Explain its in the dimension everywhere in
This dimension this reality is not mine
It’s not for me, no it can’t be, I don’t
Fucking fit. I don’t know fi there’s a reality
Out there that’s really where I belong, or if
I just have none, If I belong nowhere I
Don’t fucking know. I don’t know
I don’t know what to tell you.
Page Twenty:
Cherry wives
Where I should be
Me
Please get me out
Of here
Is that what you want?
With you
Is that what you want?
With you
Escape, below
Page Twenty-one:
In that frame of mine where
I can see forward and backwards in time
I know what’s happened and I know
What’s going to happen
To know that it’s still almost over…
Everything is going to be over soon
Or will it just be the beginning?
Deftones
Page Twenty-two:
6-18-18
The lives we were forced to lead, the
Existences we had without choice don’t
Confine us and its strange to see our
Impact on the world knowing there’s so much
More in us. Seeing the human reaction to our
Existence is off-putting, captivating, seeing others
Try to label one as evil or pure, or a
Monster or a martyr, whatever it may be –
That’s all the human reaction you are more
Than other human’s reactions if you, and I
Can see it in you, always have, always will.
People like us have no choice but to
Regretfully live these lives just like
Everybody else, but the difference between us
And them is that we do something about it.
We can feel how little we belong in this
Mortal world, and we live with not limitations
In thought, only limitations in physical being
There is so much more than the human
Experience for people like us. Always seeing
The bigger picture really thinking about it all
The important thing I’m not talking about
People who feel special or different because of
How they dress, or what music they like or any of
That bullshit, those difference in thought,
In the way one works, the place in the universe one holds
Page Twenty-three:
I don’t know how to word it in a way
That doesn’t sound fucking stupid or in
A way that hasn’t been written before. This
Kind of story has never been written or told
Or experienced before it’s in the process right
Now actually well, if you’re ready this then
The story has most likely been finished in tis
Writing and culmination after comes…well
Something else I don’t fucking know. Probably
On eternal story – the next step or maybe just
Another small step taking form of a whole other
Life. Maybe after I die and I think this
Story’s almost/completely done, what actually happens
Is that I need to live a whole other life
Again to write the next chapter or better
Said the next stage – something is happening,
I’m telling you, I can’t tell you what though
That’s a secret.
Page Twenty-four:
I’m not supposed to be here
Page Twenty-Five:
4:59 am
6/21/18
Is it an intrusive thought or is it
The universe trying to tell me something…
I ask and ask for help, I may be receiving it,
Just open my eyes
Fear and anxiety can be the most powerful
Forces in the world if you allow them to
Overpower your senses
I really need to get there
I’m willing to do something
If this is a step towards it…
Step towards returning to my reality
Please give me the direction I need…
The only thing that can motivate me anymore is
Knowing that the steps I take may bring me back,
Take me where I’m supposed to be that is
The only thin I am willing to use my own
Energy on, and I will get there mark my words
I will get there
Page Twenty-six:
I don’t feel it home
In this reality I can’t
Do this for much longer
I’m desperate to be
Where I’m supposed to be
There’s a pain in me
I can’t seem to locate
On me. its not in my
Physical body its so
Much fucking desperation
That I can pinpoint
It, it’s everywhere, I feel
It most in my chest, in
My fucking heart, that I
Shouldn’t be here right
Now I belong somewhere
Else
Page Twenty-seven: I don’t know who the blanked out name is. Maybe Eric Harris but towards the end it sounds like “He” could be a present person in this reality. Not to sure?
6/21/2018
This life is the most painful thing I
Could have ever lived through the anger
And sadness I’ve had to feel has
Been otherworldly and terrible. But I would
Do it all over again if it meant I’d be
With (whited out) I would live though it all again,
Find myself again, learn everything again, feel
Everything again, would do it all in a
Fucking heartbeat if it meant I could be with
(name whited out) the way it’s supposed to be if
I somehow got another chance…I wouldn’t
Take it for granted I would go through immense
Amounts of pain for him; feel like it already
Have, but at the end of the day, every time,
Without fail, it is all worth it, because
I get to love (name whited out), I get to have the
Honor, the blessing, to love him and for him
To love me back is just something I could
Never explain to a soul it is the greatest
Pleasure, the greatest bliss, I could ever have
In any universe, in any reality, I thank the stars
Every fucking day that I know he loves me
Every time he says it to me, I feel new
I feel ok, content, in the most intense
Way I could never fully explain what
Page Twenty-eight: (continued from page twenty-seven): The way she writes the P.S. portion makes me think the person she is writing to is a person alive. But I could be wrong and it could just be Eric Harris.
Goes on inside me when he tells me
He loves me. my heart and my fucking
Soul melt into euphoria and the only thing
I can think and feel is that I am so
Grateful I am so grateful for (blank name) I will
Never let him go. Everything he has done
For me, with or without him realizing it has
Made me, me. I only found myself because of
Him I feel less lost because of him. The
Only cure to my loneliness is him. When
I need someone to turn to, he is there.
I will always think of him, and love
Him I will love him with every fucking inch
Of my being entirely, for eternity – there is
No changing that I may be highly insecure of
My emotions, but for once, I truly know that
Fate put me in his hands, that fate put
Him in mine. I will always Believe (crossed out) know
Trust I know it with a sureness nobody
Can ever challenge
I do everything for you (blank name) and
That will always bring me happiness
P.S. I really hope
You see this (blank name)
Please read this.
Page Twenty-Nine:
6/29/2018:
So much passion towards justice…
Punishing the injustice most of my
Anger is rooted in seeing the awful
Unfairness of the world; the stupidity
That surrounds me. stupidity so fucking
Injustice to me its too bad people
Can’t be punished for being fucking
Stupid. People who are purely followers, people
Who don’t think people who apparently are
Unaware that they possess a brain, people
Who judge deviation from the non living
In quite a liberal place an doing to quite a
Liberal school, you’d think I wouldn’t see
Much of the phenomenon, but no it’s
Not about acceptance here, you can only be
Different if you’re cool and trendy
More liberalism does not equal less stupidity
Everywhere you do you will find stupid
People, they’re just stupid in different ways.
I cannot belong here, maybe not anywhere
Instantly fucking annoyed, angry, sick of
Everybody sick of people who aren’t
Willing to just let me live the way I
Need to if 90% of the people in the
World died, we’d be more better off, its too
The ratio is still fucked up and of the 10%
Left most of them would probably be dead anyways.
Page Thirty:
‘and as hollow as
The ‘O’ in God’
Page Thirty-one: Deftones lyrics to the song Rosemary
There’s no sound
But the engine’s drone
Our minds set free
To roam
Time…(shift)
We discover the entry
To other planes
Our minds bend
And our fingers fold
Entwined we dream of unknown
Time…(shift)
We discover the entry
To other planes
Stay with me
As we cross the empty skies
Come sail with me
Page thirty-two:
6/29/2018
I just want to be the right – no I have
The right – to forge my own fucking life,
For once in my existence, and everybody keeps
Trying to stop me, and I’m fucking sick of it
I’m sick of people doubting me, saying that the
Direction I’m taking things is wrong, because
I know I’m not fucking wrong and all anyone
Does is make my insecurities about my feelings
Worse I know that truth about my life, and
Everyone keeps getting it the way. This is
About me I can tell that my life or better
Said, my soul, has existed for a long, long,
Time and this current life is one of culmination
I can feel it I can’t have people doubting
Me and I can’t have them making me doubt
Myself. I’m still learning but I love the
Truth about my feelings I will not let
The people around me stand in the way I have to
Be selfish for once in my life, I can’t to
Myself to be selfish in this time of
Culmination, so I can have the…existence?
Reality? That I want and need
Page Thirty-three:
I have a lot of words
I can’t get out
Page Thirty-four: First time she talks about getting a gun and killing herself.
7/11/18
I can’t believe how much harder my
Fucking life is getting everything seems to
Be disinteresting in front of my own eyes
One year is to long of time for pain like this,
I just wanna go now I wish I could get
A gun by the end of the summer, I can’t
Look ahead anymore. Dark clouds looming over
Me all the time, I don’t know how to
Bundle myself. It really is fucking insecure how
Things get worse and worse when every time
I think I’ve hit rock bottom it’s not
Shout hitting rock bottom every pas is a
Different kind of hurt, different hurt of
Pain. My masochistic side needs it, but
Fucking need peace or I don’t fucking know
I just need to fucking die, fuck
Page Thirty-five: She had a dream about the day she shoots herself with the shotgun…she has been planning this for a long time. Just waiting until she is 18 so she can buy a shotgun.
8/14/18
Had a dream last night about the
Future…eye opening…I was only a
Week away from the day,
And I had my fucking shotgun already,
And I just remember the constant lies –
To my family, friends, police, to others…the
Fucking stress of it all but the
Most important part was knowing that
It all didn’t matter, that soon
Everything would be the way it should
Be that was the first dream I’ve
Really had about it about that
Day…
Page Thirty-Six:
DETACH YOURSELF
DETACH YOURSELF
DETACH YOURSELF
Page Thirty-Seven:
7/15/18
I’m supposedly living around
The ‘best’ possible group of people, the
Best environment the best school and
Yet everyone is still a complete piece of
Fucking shit with no brain! It’s really
Incredible how this is the best that
Mankind can do. I can’t stand to be
Around anybody, truly I can’t stand to
Be around these materialistic square pieces
Of shit. Screw fucking morals, no sense
Of reality – trust is fucking everybody
Around me. and then they turn around and
Make ME feel like the ?? one. Fuck
All of you, you’re fucking pathetic and
I almost feel bad for you, but I don’t
You fucking deserve it.
Page thirty-eight:
7/28/18
Every second is worse than the last
I don’t know what to be anymore
The most drowning feeling I could ever encounter
Pure misery
Looking and looking and looking for answers and
There is nothing
Absolutely nothing – emptiness
Lost fucking life and haven nothing, no one, anymore
Why can’t it not stop
Why can’t I go away
I’m so fucking tired
I’m so tired
How many times do I have to plead and
Beg to get something
Imponent crying and tears and asking why
I got nowhere I got nothing
Just like always
Page Thirty-nine:
7/27/18
Every fucking day I wake up feeling
This way…lost, hopeless, angry, pissed
Off, fucking empty it’s the kind of pain
That doesn’t go away no matter what
You do I hold conversation feeling like
I want the world to end I go on about
My day thinking about dying I can’t even
Get done what I need to get don
Even if it to three days
Everything is fucked up at usual! (JM)
I can’t take – this anymore…I’ve lived so
Many lives, probably was/felt like an outcast
In every single one. This life feels
Special. Maybe lost one…maybe something
Big’s going to happen. Who fucking knows
Anymore life is fucking chaos.
Page Forty:
Feels like a
Time portal
Is
Going to open
Up in my bedroom!
Page Forty-one:
7/31/18
It feels like I’m alive in another
World right now, like I exist in another
Reality right now. Maybe in the past
Don’t know I always think “life’s” not gonna
Get any worse or weirder but I’’m always
Proved wrong. I feel like things in my soul that
Can’t explain. I feel like when I die I’m
Gonna go bak in time and I know exactly
To where (what year). I don’t know if I’ll have to start
Life all over find myself all over again or if
I will wake up as the person I died as
Picking up the puzzle pieces…rewriting history
I like to fantasy about this going back in
Time, waking up as myself, like something out
Of a movie, my life, feels like a movie so
Much weird shit going on all the time, never
Stops… stuff about alternative universes and
Time travel and different dimensions
And realities I never stop fucking thinking I
Think, think, think and I think thought
Two for I don know if life manifests itself
Through thoughts or through pure fate, but it feels
Like things are slowly arranging themselves. The
Stars are shining…for me…I don’t know
Ready for what yet but I feel it…
Page Forty-Two:
8/3/18
Time is a funny, funny thing….
It feels like everything that
I know now,
I’ve known all my life.
I just had to understand it
Realize it
I know these things of it
A few years old… I mean I felt
These things…took me a while to
Understand them
Page Forty-three:
I died a
Long, long
Time ago
Page Forty-four:
8/5/18
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to live a purpose
Then again, that might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
Everyday is exactly the same
I can’t remember how this go started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end
NIN
Page Forty-five:
It’s like I know that I don’t
Fucking b elong in this world and
I know I just don’t fit in here
And that I deserve to be somewhere
Better but I can’t do anything about
It all I can do is sit in my head
And sulk just sit and think and think and
Feel but with the most helpless feeling.
I feel immouble and stuck and frozen
And hopeless when all I want is more
And go somewhere else be where im
Suppose t obe but what the ruck do I
Can I do anymore every day is exactly like
This just feeling helpless and out of
Place and knowing I belong somewhere else
But not being there and not being able
To go there, where ever that is.
Just sit
And think
And sit
And think
Page Forty-six:
8/17/18
Waking up to this nightmare
Every day…the ache is always there
I cant do anything I cant get rid of
Is, this ache im not fukcing depressed
This is how my soul just is this is
What happens when you place a soul in
The wrong reality, this desperate aching
Feeling of unhappiness and doom it’s
Something new everyday haunting me anxiety
That finds this materal life
Isn’t for me but I don’t know what is
(for me) anymore so much to do, clocks
Never stop ticking so much to fucking
Do and so much to worry about this
Life is a punishment this world is hell
Feel like a fucking idito,
I don’t know anything anymore
Im always left behind, left
In the dark
Abandoned
All
The
Time
Page Forty-seven: maybe Eric Harris?
I miss (blank name)
Page forty-eight:
Oooh god I want to be dead so fucking
Bad already I cant explain the way I feel
Everything seems so much brighter on the
Other side. I see in the horizon of my
Mind, somehow this shining light, this bright
World…where everything feels…sure…no
Doubts just love the one I love
It just seems so much brighter on the other
Side, I can see it now, in my mind’s eye in ive
Never seen it like this before like ive
Unlocked a new ability, seeing into the future
How can I describe it.. I see a real horizon
In my mind, and I see clouds so bright in
The sky I see it…sunlight everywhere the
Clouds are glowing…like on some morning, and
There’s techno playing in the background!
(orbitol)
So much brighter on the other side
Some morning I catch
Glimpse of heaven
Page forty-nine:
9/19/2018
The face of the matter is that I was the
One unfortunate enough to be Sol. Good
For everybody who feels that sense of
Belonging in this world. Good for everybody who
Could somehow want a future here I think
I have been around long enough to know
I will never have that , nor will I not
Want that. I know my time is running out,
And I am ensuring that my time is running
Out. Life is much easier when everything elases
Up to one day, one day which you know ehen
Will occur. To live as if I had a future
As the most exhausting thing Ive endured im
Glad I don’t worry about trust anymore
I see everything differently I see this world through
A different lens not that I hadn’t always
Seen it differently. In the last couple of year
My perception of this life has intensified so
Much that I can barley function on the day to
Day basis I cant bring myself to care
About the trivilties of everday life is cant
Being mysrlf to care botu the lives of
People I don’t know I cant bring myself to care
About a higher understanding or a career because
I know the truth I know something others don’t;
Page fifty:
And everyone else seems to know something
I dond don’t you see? There is no connection
There the disparity is to large to be
Irnored this isn’t the sort of thing you
Just lvie with there is no “living” for me
Ive spent my time here long enough to know
Realized the truth I exist in the reality
But I do not belong to it
It’s a shame you can’t see things
Though my eyes
It may be a miserable world, but boy,
The view sure is something else sometimes
Page Fifty-one:
9/23/2018:
I don’t wanna live in this cloudiness and
Misery anymore
Page Fifty-two:
10/14/2018
I can’t believe this is my fucking life.
My fucking existence. Hate this life.
So much I wish I could escape it now
But thinking about death and dying fucking
Scares me and tires me out just as much
As thinking bout life im tired of having
To think all these things through so much im
Tired of all this planning and living im tired
Of having to think about everything so logically
So I can just get where I need to be already (did)
Im just tired of it im tired of
Everything. Everything could have been so much
Simpler and easier if I had never existed in the
First place. None of this shit could even
Fucking matter. I couldn’t have had to ever
Worry about any of this bullshit in the first place
I wouldn’t have had to because I cant
Believe all the fucking trouble im having to
Go through. Whether I live or die, its always
Trouble. Existence just troubles me. dead or
Alive. I don’t want to have to worry
About this shit anymore. That’s all I want
Is to not have to worry about any of
This shit anymore. Im gonna have shit
To worry about in the fucking after lifelife? Too aren’t I?
Page Fifty-three: (continued from page fifty-two): can’t read the back end of this
It just never ends I never see it ending
Not until the last time
Anyone speaks my name on earth after I
Die, not until then even for who
Fucking knows. Ive never bene able to
Be truly at peace in my life ive never
Been able to feel the peace my
Soul in so tired of this tire of
Everything and I got it to fucking
And??????????????
Im tired of being weak
And im tired of being
Human
Page Fifty-Four: Talks about her plan to kill herself here.
10/30/2018
I don’t know who the fuck though that
Allowing me to live this life would end well but
They really were dead wrong. The weight of
This life is costing me my sanity. There is no
Way out of it, of this. All I ever wanted
Was for the vortex in my head to stop
Spinning and tearing me apart. Theres virtually nothing
I can do to convince anybody of the nature of
The pain im in that im not fucking depressed, im
Fucking miserable im not where im supposed to be.
That everything in my head is both black and white
And gray and everything in between. That this is and always
Has been and one man war against everybody else
There are both too many and too few thoughts
Running through my head I would do anything, anything
Fucking anything to go now, in this moment . the fuck
That I have to do with tears me apart more and more
Second im losing patence so quickly I may change
My plans just to fucking go sooner. Unfortunately due to
The natural order of things I cant just do anything on a
Whim. Unfortunately for me and my soul I must think through
Everything a thousand times, logically, strategically. Every day I
Make a thousand decisions to play my cards right I
Feel like a master manipulator it doesn’t make me
To happy though.
Page Fifty-Five:
11/24/2018
You make me soft when im hard inside
You are the perfect day
The perfect day
The perfect day
Without you
Without you everything falls apart
Its not as much fun to pick up the pieces
Page Fifty-Six:
11/26/2018
Theres nothing that this immediate
World could ever offer me to make me
Stay ive looked at it from every angel
Not with the attitude/purpose of seeking a
Reason to say, but just to prove further
What I already know. Theres no life
No lifestyle I would ever be satisfied with
Nothing that could fulfill me I know
There isn’t and its not me it’s the
World I am in the reality I am present in
(but not a part of) its not me
Ive been around long enough to believe
And understand all the fucking bullshit that
Surrounds me and I want no fucking
Part in it. Im just a pawn to this
World and so are you. The only difference
Between me and everybody else is that
I choose to follow my instincts telling me
What to value more while everybody else
Is fine with settling for mediocracy
I get the sense that no matter what I do
Or what I say there’ll never be enough
Words to convince you that im not just nothing
More than supid and its not my problem anyways.
Page Fifty-seven:
2/1/2019
Much much time has passed unfortunately due to
The nature of my life ive had to store away
This journal and focus on the task at hand
So much ahs happened and yet so little
I wish I could dive into all the changes and
Connections and transpositions and evolutions that
Have taken place in my head since the last
Time I wrote. I miss this even further there
Wouldn’t even be enough time in the world
To describe how much worse things have gotten
Ive been going through my belongings including
This journal and and other digital notes and writings
Ive done and the reputation is astounding.
How everything seems to somehow get worse
Evern when I think ive hit rock bottom
Fucking insane its become a fight to the
Death, fighting for my sanity, for my
Morals for everything ive eer wanted the last
Few days have been especially painful and
Tumultuous which kicked started me again to
Start revisting my plans and getting on with
Them. The last couple of months have been
Marked by the intense feeling of the time closing
In on me. the pressure its real. I can
Feel the heaviness of the weight on my soul.
Page Fifty-eight: Continued from page fifty-seven: really the first time she mentions her suicide.
Seconds of eternity, constant agony
Thought that never stop coming
The pressure of taking on a challenge
Of infinite interdimensional meaning and
Purpose taking on a challenge that is bigger
Than life itself, as a human, god, that
Is so….me. I imagine the last few
Months many many times over the course of
The last couple of years. I imagine what
They would be like and feel like I
Knew it would be painful but not like this
God fucking dammit, I never imagine it like
This. This universe is breaking me, tearing
Me apart, closing on my soul. The pain
Is so deep and real it manifests almost
Physically. The past day or t wo have been the
Most clear-headed ive been in a while now,
Which is why im back to planning and organizing
Again so I basically spent the first few hours
Of my birthday cleaning through my belonging
In preparation of my dead. Hah
Gotta do what you gotta do
Page Fifty-nine: I feel like she thinks she is Eric Harris or is from his time.
2/15/2019
Its become a life of cumulation … of
Understanding of remembering not a life
Of living – I understand that now no
A normal life to live but one of
Recognition, of an unfinished past? A test
Maybe, something to wake me up placed
Me in a distorted reality, an illusion,
With the realest parts being those that
Have no basis in immediate reality. Once
In a while I have those moments of
Intense realization where it seems like
Someone or something from another plane, another
Place reaches through the layers of time and
Dimension and grasps of me leaving me a
Hint a message. I get flashes somewhere of
The book of my mind, on another level of
Consciousness. Of place of another time, places
And the feeling they invoke, that I recognize
On a level too instinctual and deep to verbalize
The familiar of these visions and the setting
They take place in, its too strong too
Undeniable to write off. The constant messages
And hints I receive are to much to
Ignore. Its not a fucking mental illness
Or a delusion and I don’t know how to
Stress that enough
Page Sixty:
Life….heaven….return
There is this idea of home…
Prophecy
Timeline
Reality
Possibility
It wouldn’t be happening if it
Didn’t have a reason to
Not a coincidence
A transposition of physical form
Like I can feel that dimension
In the air surrounding me
Everywhere
Realist thing I have ever felt
Hidden behind a veil
Unearthly, otherworldly, not of this
Immediate state of existence or
Consciousness
Another life, real home
Page Sixty-One: A tribute of her life
Now I just stare into the sun
And see everything ive don
I think I could’ve been someone
But I cant stop what has begun
When making is said and done
And there is no place left to run
I think I used to be someone
Now I just stare into the sun
3/30/2019
Sol Pais
