S&P 500 Takes Edible in Effort to Reach All-Time High

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The S&P 500 ate the entire edible cookie this morning, in an effort to reach an all-time high.

“The S&P 500 got pretty high in February, but the comedown was harsh,” says cannabis analyst Ima Sohigh. “But it took some shrooms with the NASDAQ, found spiritual bedrock, and is ready for a new personal best.”

Classical economic theory holds that when markets become too high, they get paranoid and fragile. But with Modern Monetary Theory, markets can get as high as they want.

“If the market starts coming down, J Powell will come in like an Ayahuasca shaman to hold its hand,” says financial advisor Opti Mystic. “Even if it starts vomiting everywhere, Powell will reassure the market that it’s all in the mind.” 

Not all market participants are excited for the S&P 500 to take more drugs.

“Yeah, I’m Standard’s mother,” says Martha Poor. “In the 80’s, my son started spray painting squiggly lines on buildings, hanging out with Basquiat, and going by the street name ‘S&P 500’. Now J Powell and WallStreetBets keep feeding him drugs so he’ll get higher and higher. Personally, I think the sooner they hit rock bottom, the sooner they’ll admit they have a problem and get some rehab.”

 



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