Stardoes

The multinational coffeehouse, Starbucks, has announced that they will be renaming their business to Stardoes amid sexist allegations and racism.

Starbucks announced on twitter that “the implicit sexism included in the name of our brand has encouraged us to rethink our approach in order to be more inclusive towards women, especially women of color. We acknowledge the damage we have caused through the masculine gendering of our company and apologize for the exclusive attitude we have had.”

Stardoes expects to rebrand all stores within the next three months, change their color theme from green to rainbow, and their ticker will be changed to $SDOE. This is an unprecedented step in inclusivity and the activist realm has applauded their efforts. Stardoes expects to save millions on window replacements after the rebranding, believing that this will cement their place as an ally to protestors.

The company has been hard hit by protestors during 2020.  Their coffeehouses were a main target for bricks and fires started during the year.  Anderson Windows and Doors, one of the largest window retailers in the world, has expressed their unhappiness for the rebranding, stating “we believe our revenues will be hit by this, as we will most likely lose a major portion of the window repair business.”

Dunkin Donuts is expected to take the place of Starbucks as “Most Vandalized Company 2021”

Stay Classy You Degenerates,

Max Greene