$2 Trillion infrastructure plan

President Joe Biden unveiled a more than $2 Trillion infrastructure plan Wednesday night that drew both accolades and jeers from congressional members. Apart from the price tag, which many critics have derided as risky in the midst of distressed government budgets, the plan includes several provisions of questionable utility. These terms signal that Biden’s Democratic Party is now fully embracing the state-sponsored degeneracy policy objectives long sought by neo-Liberal thought-leaders. Despite the split opinions on the package, the legislation could offer a boon for savvy investors looking to direct some of those government dollars into their portfolio.

Here are some of the provisions and who is positioned to profit:

  1. Peloton Interactive (NASDAQ: PTON) – Things just keep getting better for this iPad attached to a $300 exercise bike brand. Buried on page 385 of the proposal is a unique call for the Department of Health and Human Services to immediately supply Peloton bikes to every American household. The Office of Management and Budget has long studied the medical cost savings of investing in preventative medicine including physical exercise, but this plan seems more aimed at addressing a specific societal problem. The section includes only a single line of justification, “President Biden says ‘No Fatties’.” Considering almost 40% of Americans are obese, this effort is a tall order for the department.
  2. Interactive Life Forms (ILF) – The maker of the ubiquitous Fleshlight stands to gain billions under the plan which proposes to offer free public Fleshlights mounted outside of every Federal building across the country. The installations will provide up to five Fleshlights, whose color on model will be selected to accurately reflect the racial and ethnic makeup of the surrounding community. Yet to be determined is whether anal Fleshlights will be provided despite the likelihood of pushback from the religious community. In any case, Interactive Life Forms holds a near air-tight (like your mom) monopoly on the male masturbatory aid market, giving them a huge edge if and when Biden’s proposal is passed.
  3. Multi Media, LLC (MM) – The owner of pornographic live webcam site Chaturbate is likely positioned to gain the most of any private company under Biden’s infrastructure plan. The site captures 50% of all site participant’s earnings, which will now include every American over the age of 18. The proposal aims to provide Americans, particularly those that are under and unemployed, a secondary revenue stream by providing universal access to perform sex acts online for money. Beltway insiders believe the idea was initially suggested by New York mayoral candidate Andrew Yang who for years has been arguing that robots will soon be replacing humans in jobs across all employment sectors. Striptease and sex shows are likely the last industry to be impacted by AI and robotization, thus moving Americans to start new careers in the field aims to bolster a new middle-class. Whether the idea takes off or not, Chaturbate is poised to see a hundred-fold increase in their userbase.

The plan is only in its initial stages and would need to go through both congressional houses to become a reality. Nevertheless, Wall Street seems to already be pricing in the possibility of Biden’s plan passing. Shares of PTON continue to rise and rumors of IPOs for Fleshlights and Chaturbate are now growing among hedge fund managers.