Trump Bans Non-English Speaking White People from Coming to America
In his boldest move yet, our president announced a 30-day ban on white migration to America. “[Europeans] are disgusting, un-kempt, germ-riddled creatures.” During that same speech, President Trump advised every American to wash their hands, avoid public gatherings, and read all 10,000 of Hillary Clinton’s missing emails.
President Trump also noted that the ban did not extend to the UK because, “They promised to buy more coal from West Virginia.”
After the speech, one source says that President Trump could be seen telling Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, “If Squanto had just cut interest rates, his village wouldn’t have gotten small pox.” Secretary Mnuchin was rumored to be nodding yes vigorously.
Chinese Scholar Believes Corona Virus to Be Inside Job
An economist intimately familiar with the inner workings of the Chinese Communist Party writes, “The Corona Virus was planted by Premier Xi to detract focus from the Hong Kong protests. The old Premier Xi would have just carpet-bombed Wujan if he didn’t want this to spread.”
The economist quickly praised Premier Xi’s leadership and said he admires the Premier’s restraint.
What I Love Most About L+350
The feeling of scissors in my hands
What I like least? Knowing that I will only be able to afford to send my kids to SUNY Oneonta on that yield
Stock Market Down More Than 10% Since Harvey Weinstein Jailed
Some are blaming a little-known philosophical phenomenon known as the “Butterfly Effect.” Jim Cramer exclaimed on Mad Money, “It’s always hard to know exactly what will tip the market over the edge. What I do know, what I can say with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY, is that there is one fewer buyer today.” At this point, Cramer was seen choking back a single tear for a fallen stonk buyer. After collecting himself, Cramer said quietly and sincerely, “This may have been the spark that ignited the flame.”
Weinstein’s lawyers are currently filing an amicus brief that would allow the disgraced Hollywood mogul to access his Robinhood account behind bars.