Stonk Market Statement on Inclusivity

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The Stonk Market has received multiple complaints about the language used in its publications and conduct of its staff.  Many who have reached out to us have expressed concern over implicit bias and privilege found in our writing, our supposedly “questionable” methods of data collection, the lack of diversity on our Editorial Board, and a culture of harassment from the writers. To address this important matter we have released our statement on inclusivity.

Although our goal has always been to inform our readers in an unbiased way, a thorough internal investigation revealed that TSM writers and editors have failed to live up to this purpose.  In an effort to make The Stonk Market more inclusive to a broader audience, the Editorial Board will make the following revisions:

Our Important Statement on Inclusivity

  • Homeless people / hobos will now be referred to as “home fluid”
  • Red portfolios will now be referred to as “growth challenged”
  • Eloise Williams will no longer hold the title of “Chief Editor” (citing sensitivity to Native American tribe chiefs) and will henceforth be known as “Supreme Editor”
  • John W. B. Rich will now be known as Chairmyn of the Board
  • Captain Nasdaq will stop harassing “fatties” and start referring to overweight individuals as “growth agents”
  • Jules Paxton will immediately stop putting the Beyond Meat labels on real beef packages for the sake of “sticking it to the vegans”
  • Chadford Whitmore IV will start paying taxes for the first time in his life and has pledged $500 per year to the Boys and Girls Club of Detroit
  • Stock splits will now be referred to as “economic separation”
  • The word “stock” will be forever banned as it is too similar to stockade
  • No one shall use the word “markets” in any context
  • “Reverse Merger” shall be known as “fluid transition into your chosen pronoun”
  • The term “alpha” will be banned completely.  The term is too aggressive, scares people and suggests that someone or a group is more superior than another.
  • “Blockchain” is banned.  The term blockchain is similar to slavery.  Blockchain will now be referred to as “freedom bonds”.

Anyone caught using these terms shall be severely punished.  We are prepared to uphold these statements and new rules to the highest regard.  Our readers are our most valuable asset.  Without them we wouldn’t exist.  If we catch anyone who writes for us using these terms we will extort their family and push them into traffic.

 



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