Churchill Capital

The local suicide hotline in Gary, Indian recorded a record amount of incoming calls this afternoon after Churchill Capital dropped over 30% in after-hour trading. “It was the craziest day we have ever had,” Debra, 49 and single, said. “We usually only get locals calling out hotline regarding how crappy it is to live in Gary. But today everyone across the world seemed to be suicidal.”

According to Wall Street analysts, a bunch of idiot retail investors decided to over-lever themselves into a random SPAC that was supposedly going to buy a car company that makes zero cars. “It was the trade of a lifetime,” Megan Rain, local pornstar stated.  “I put over $100,000 into the SPAC because when stocks go up they don’t ever come back down.”

When everyone was getting excited about the Churchill acquiring Lucid Motors (an invisible car company that doesn’t make cars) the deal went through. “I started snorting hot sauce and lube of my husband’s face,” Megan stated. “But then the stock started crashing.”

Megan stated she got suicidal almost immediately. “I greased up my ten flight of wooden stairs with lude and charged headfirst down them trying to end it all,” Megan stated. “But all I got was this lousy bump on my face and an investing account worth zero.”

Suicide hotlines in Gary, Indian have increased over 10,000% fold. Local Mayor stated, “We finally might have enough revenue to clean up the asbestos in the elementary school if this keeps up.”

As for the “investors” they are hanging in there.