Climate Change Activists started the coronavirus with a hope of wiping a huge portion of the population out. Climate Change Activists are so worried about the climate “changing” they are having climate change nightmares. Climate Change Activists will tell you that the human population is responsible for the climate changing. CO2 emissions and cows farting. To combat the effects of Climate Change, the Climate Change Activists have started the coronavirus in China, the country that produces the worlds most CO2 emissions. The coronavirus has effectively shut down most economic production in China so this argument could make a little sense.
There is a theory that a coalition of Instagram Ass Models started the coronavirus. Being an Instagram Ass Model is in a prestigious category of its own. However, the competition of being an Instagram Ass Model is only getting harder. Everyone and their mom are figuring out how to use photoshop to make their ass fatter and stomach flatter. The theory on the coronavirus is that a few well know Instagram Ass Models started the coronavirus to wipe out their competition. Less competition = more likes and advertising revenues generated from their overly large photoshopped poop-shoots.
Another theory how the coronavirus started is the Donald Trump Trade Conspiracy. For the entirety of 2019 Donald Trump was battling China over the infamous Trade War. Many speculated that if Donald Trump lost the trade war it would have been much harder for the Don to get reelected. The theory is that Donald Trump had his army of genius scientists unleash the coronavirus in China – effectively giving the Trump Administration additional leverage for winning the trade war.
The fourth craziest theory on how the coronavirus was started has to do with cry baby short sellers. The stock market has been raging to over ten years straight. If you were a short seller in this period it is likely you have had massive losses, redemptions and possibility nervous breakdowns. The theory is that short sellers were sick and tired of the market going up, so they decided to unleash a deadly virus in China – slowing down worldwide economic growth.
Some say @RampCapitalLLC started the coronavirus so he/she would have more funny things to tweet.
Another theory is that the Tesla Q (TSLAQ) – the individuals and institutions who are short Telsa Inc. (TSLA) started the coronavirus. Tesla recently opened a Gigafactory in China. Short sellers don’t want this factory to open and produce cars for the Chinese people. The only way they could combat this development was to start the coronavirus with hope of wiping out any potential Gigafactory development.
The anti-artificial intelligence crowd thinks computers started the coronavirus. Computers are smart and humans are stupid. This theory is basically the Terminator Movie theory that computers are trying to take over the world. However, instead of wiping the human population out with a nuclear arsenal, computers created the coronavirus to wipe out the human population – a much cleaner way to take over the world. Computers of the World Unite!
A lot of people think @White_Trash_Rob the former member of Blood for Blood started the coronavirus. White Trash Rob is known for his nihilistic view of the world. It makes total sense that White Trash Rob would start the virus and take out the upper-class crust. WHITE TRASH DEFEAT!
Bitcoin Bros think Satoshi Nakamoto returned from his cave in his parents’ basement and unleased the coronavirus with a hope of causing hyperinflation. Satoshi Nakamoto is rumored to hold a huge position in bitcoin. Any type of hyperinflation would be wonderful for his long position in bitcoin and other shitcoins.
The final theory is that Bernie Sanders created the coronavirus. Bernie is pushing for a universal healthcare or “free healthcare” for all agenda. To help fuel the free healthcare agenda Bernie Sanders hopes to get everyone and their mothers sick with the coronavirus so he has more leverage to get free healthcare for all.
TheStonkMarket.com is a financial satire site. The site provides unique coverage on the financial industry, stocks, hedge funds and global markets.
Mission: To provide daily humor and make stonks go up.
We are currently looking for content creators who have an interest in financial humor. Please reach out if you have an interest.
Do you want to become a Stonk Market Genius? Do you want a higher IQ? Do you want the ability to pick up chicks from random bars just by mentioning how fast you can build a DCF Model? If you answer yes to any of these, consider giving your email to me! In just a few clicks your IQ will rise by 7,000 basis points, chicks will start messaging you back and you will officially become a coveted Stonk Market Genius.