Tesla Cobalt

January 29th, 2021– Earlier this week, Tesla CEO Elon Musk flew to The Democratic Republic of the Congo to unveil the company’s new charity campaign for 2021 – a cobalt mine for children. 

There has long controversy surrounding how Tesla sources its Cobalt. Cobalt is needed for the production of the battery which powers Tesla’s vehicles, though experts are “unsure if this is the thing that makes the cars blow up.”

This week all of that controversy has been put to rest. Musk delivered a statement from the side of a barren mountain deep in the DRC, behind him was a newly-built state of the art mining facility.

“Today we embark on our mission for 2021. We will be building 10 schools across the DRC, which will aim to provide children aged 6-13 with the education and experience necessary to be successful Cobalt miners. Cobalt mining to these people is like being a doctor or lawyer is in America!”

As Musk was making his remarks, a group of young boys emerged from the mine, appearing to be taking their lunch break. Elon glanced as his watch, “Boys, it’s 11:45. You still have 15 minutes of digging left to do. Come on now back down to the mines,” said a smiling Musk.

The boys obeyed Musk and turned back around, one of them had to be carried by his friends as it appears he had passed out, “That’s the teamwork we instill here!” Said Musk.

Since the school’s official start just 5 days ago, over 100,000 new mining prodigies have joined the Tesla team! When asked if the children would be on official Tesla payroll, or be able to unionize, Elon stated, “What? Huh? I’m sorry I can’t hear you,” as he walked backwards to board his helicopter.