Texans winter

Governor Greg Abbott asked his fellow Texans to begin flaring their personal oil wells Tuesday to battle against record snowfall and subsequent power line outages. Dipping into their strategic barbeque reserves is “not off the table” said the governor as he worked around the clock to secure government aid for his state.

The blast of winter weather hit Texas and other desert plains states over the weekend and caused millions to go without power from hours to days. Experts say that the area was never built for the cold and problems from bursting pipes to frozen pistol holsters were being reported across the state. In response, Texas and Oklahoma were forced to lean on the main strength of the state, namely the personal oil wells granted to each citizen on their 18th birthday.

“They don’t make cowboy boots for the snow,” said Texas native Susan Gaines, “thank god most of us have enough sweet baby crude to ride this thing out.”

Fortunately, the recent oil bear market had built up most residents’ personal reserves over the past year. In early 2020, the state required all homeowners to store at least five drums of unrefined crude to fight the sinking oil prices caused by the global pandemic and OPEC overproduction. The burden is now seen as a blessing as many Texans are now using that stored oil to stay warm and cook 72 oz. steaks.

Recent California transplants to Texas (who compose approximately 40% of the state’s population) worry that the power outage problems they left in California have followed them to their new home.

“We left Northern California to try to get away from utility mismanagement and constant power outages,” said recent California immigrant Brian Jessup. “And here we are in the same position, but now with worse weather and more blatant racism.”

Meteorologists are forecasting that the storm is set to continue for at least the next few days. The nation is watching as Americans across the desert plains cling to their personal oil reserves to provide a lifeline in the midst of the worst snowstorm on record.