In what can only be described as the rantings of a crazed lunatic, Fox Business reporter Charlie “Gorilla” Gasparino went completely off the rails against The Stonk Market on Twitter last night. While ranting about meatloaf in response to troll baiting, Chucky Gee had his fragile ego completely crushed when handsome (and rich) Twitter celebrity Chadford Whitmore VI called him out for bragging about his “lucrative” Fox Business contract by the use of the classic “gorilla doing the jerk off motion” gif. This set off a chain of events not seen since a hungry pride of lions devoured a wildebeest.
Gorillarino, best known for breaking the news on the 2019 Sprint/T-Mobile merger that no one at all cared about, reacted like a complete chooch to the gorilla gif that seemed to hit a bit too close to home. He has been likened over the years to a primate given his marginal IQ and propensity to snap like a wild animal on Twitter at the slightest of insults. Chucky G eventually became so overmatched by the pile-on, that the entire episode played out like Apollo vs Drago and random Twitter bystanders were pleading to stop the mismatch.
When reached for comment while locked up in his cage doing pull-ups, the big, dumb ape raged incoherently with veins popping out of his neck, “The Stonk Market. Lives in basement. $5. SEC enforcement. Meatloaf.” Gorillarino then proceeded to mash the buttons on his Blackberry (possible Palm Pilot) in a fury King Kong would be envious of to delete all of his embarrassing tweets.
When hearing about his latest tirade, Fox Business Star Maria Bartiromo shook her head in disgust. “This guy has been an embarrassment to the finance news industry for years. He was reprimanded just last week for throwing his poop at Dagan McDowell in the green room. He’s angry that he has little to no talent and is still stuck being a low level “reporter” after 47 decades in the business. Why he hasn’t been put out to pasture at this point is a mystery.”
At the time of publishing, limited IQ Gasparino still doesn’t realize he was being trolled for hours on end by a countless number of Twitter parody accounts. A study is currently being organized to understand how someone this dumb has managed to stay alive for this long. At the moment, he continues to maniacally respond to tweets from “basement dwellers that eat meatloaf”. We are all praying for his recovery from his incredible stupidity.