The Stonk Market

New York, NY – Early Thursday morning, The Stonk Market rejected an all-cash $100B takeover offer from the Wall Street Journal, according to person familiar with the matter.

A fast rising media company on the precipice of world domination, The Stonk Market has become a leader in hard hitting journalism in the financial community, with the highest standards of journalistic integrity. It has been described as a combination between The Financial Times and Barstool sports, and makes The Onion look like a pennysaver ad.

This marks the third unsolicited take over attempt in the past 3 weeks, with reported interest from CNBC, Berkshire Hathaway, and VaynerMedia.

“Those guys f-*k”, founder of VaynerMedia, Gary Vaynerchuk, mused about The Stonk Market. “They know their audience, they’re passionate, and they give the people what they want.”

When requesting a comment on the matter, Founder/CEO, Senator Eloise Williams said, and I quote, “f-&k those p***ies. Add two more zeros and we’ll talk.

CNBC and Berkshire Hathaway could not be reached for comment.

Reported by: @BillyMcFarlend