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The UnSoPhIsTiCaTeD Millennial Robinhood Investor

Dumb and dumber

A new trend has been brewing among the more savvy of Millennials besides craft sour beers and spontaneous fermented ales. Long gone are the days of arduous steps to complete a simple stock purchase. Now with the stylistic grace one might sip on their favorite cup of Kopi Luwak, careful not to disturb a perfectly manicured mustache sculpted with the latest organic free-trade beard oil, you can trade stocks free and instantly with Robinhood. Maybe you hear of the latest oil spill committed by one of those evil “pro-profit” corporations? Why not be a part of the solution and quickly buy some Procter & Gamble? Those cute sea otters and ducks do not clean themselves.

It is times like these that the words of Rahm Emanuel, President-elect Barack Obama’s chief of staff, come to mind, “never waste a crisis”. An opportunity to espouse your moral superiority is paramount to finding success within Millennial social circles. With some of the most ambitious of the gang going so far as to fly out (the Quiche was a little dry for first class and they were out of Siracha, do they not know I’m a Yelp reviewer?) to location to snap some “lifesaving” work; because in the competitive crony capitalist system of American Corporatism we all know and despise, we find that it takes more than just a perfectly Photoshopped hour-glass figure to get you those follows. You must be making a difference in the world if you really want to be insta famous.

Now more than ever with a continued escalation of the world’s crude being stored at sea on massive tankers is the ability to quickly and cheaply (free trades on Robinhood equal greater Starbucks budget, Orange Fraps for EVERYONE!!!) respond to today’s ever increasing Eco disasters. With Oil demand at lows not seen in decades and Telsa’s Market Cap rivaling the GDP of a small country, Eco conscious Millennials are leading the future of the economy. Sophisticated think tanks such as Reddit’s r/wallstreetbets and other public forums that attract much of society’s youngest bright minds and those who are involuntary virgins have created a community of forward-thinking investors. These modern-day pioneers will lead the way as boomers cruise off on their sunset trip, if Carnival can survive the lockdown that is, while Gen Xer’s (remember those people? If not, I have selective memory for Limp Bizkit fans too) continues in their carbon intensive lifestyles.

Robinwood brought investing to the level of ease and convenience that Millennials have come to expect. In today’s gig economy, the fast-paced lives of Millennials leave no time for the cumbersome trades from the days of our fore-fathers. Leaving the horse and buggy mentality behind and instead cruising ahead in a sleek Tesla Model X purchased from shorting energy stocks, Millennials are paving the future in style. The world is always changing but as I was once told by a Congolese Cobolt miner during my gap year before college while on Safari in Africa, “Your luxury comes at a price.”

By: Scott Leaseburge

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