Here are the three times I tired ESG investing but actually ended up dumping oil on sea turtles instead. Sea turtles are the worst to ever do it!
One: Sea turtles are the worst
The first time I tried ESG investing was when I was 20 years old. I wanted to raise a ton of capital from unsuspecting corporate hippies who don’t care about any rate of return. I named my investment fund “For The Trees” and was ready to invest in some really horrible investments like wind farms. When I was about to invest a ton of money into an unprofitable wind farm ex government subsidies I somehow was transported to a lake where a bunch of sea turtles lived. I then proceeded to dump a million barrels of oil on them.
Two: A vote for sea turtles is a vote for Osama Bin Laden
The second time I tried ESG investing was when I was 21 years old. I wanted to raise a bunch of money from idiots who think they are going to save the world and have no idea what ROI means. This time I named my investment fund “Pretty Flowers” and was ready to invest in some really bad investments like solar farms. When I was about to dump my money into a business that doesn’t make any money outside of government subsidies I was somehow transported to the ocean where a bunch of sea turtles lived. I then proceeded to pour crude oil down their throats while pounding Busch Light and screaming the National Anthem.
Three: Sea turtles are financial terrorists for ESG
The third time I tried ESG investing was when I was 22 years old. I wanted to raise money from a bunch of college students who thought they were going to save the environment from me investing passively into random stocks. This time around I named my investment fund “Sunlight Beaming on Wet Rocks” and was ready to dump this capital into some really bad companies. When I was about to dump my money into a fraudulent electric vehicle manufacture I was transported to a pond where thousands of sea turtles were mating. I then proceeded to throw oil at their stupid faces while injecting massive amounts of K2.