Cartoon picture of Donald Trump, economic war zone

WASHINGTON DC – President Trump today announced a new economic incentive program called “War Zone”.  War Zone a modified version of the “Opportunity Zone” designation given to an economically-distressed community where new investments may be eligible for preferential tax treatment. The recent rioting in Minneapolis, that turned the city into an effective war zone, prompted the action.

At a press conference in the Rose Garden, Trump bloviated, “With the recent events in Minneapolis, I wanted to do something bigly. Like bigliest yuge. It’s fantastic. We will win. Speaking of winning, are you all as sick of winning as me? I’m getting bored with it. Maybe I’ll do some losing in November just to mix it up a bit. All you fake news bobble heads would like that, wouldn’t you? SIKE! I’m winning and will win big. Believe me.”

Trump continued, “Under a Presidential executive order by the power vested in me by Jesus Christ himself, I’m designating the entire city of Minneapolis a new economic War Zone. This designation will be bigly important for the rebuilding of the city after the fine people on both sides of the rioting burned down everything. The first areas to get these designations will be all the AutoZone buildings. We need to get those stores back up and running as those little tree air freshener things make my limo smell really beautiful. Beauty like you’ve never smelt before.”

In a document released later that day, the War Zone designation will give real estate developers a significant tax incentive to rebuild the destroyed areas. The incentive to each developer includes:

  • Paying no taxes for the next 47 family generations
  • Receiving $7.3B in cash that was previously allocated to PPE for medical professionals
  • Ability to set up a fiefdom within their designated area
  • No requirement to actually rebuild anything

When reached for comment, Nancy Pelosi, best known for injecting gallons of botulism in her face to keep it from completely melting off her skull, defiantly mumbled, “This is the worst thing this orange Kool-Aid man looking tubalard has ever done since the last thing he did five minutes ago that was the worst thing he’d ever done.”