Stock Split
Image by Mediamodifier from Pixabay

WASHINGTON – Growing increasingly irritated that the stock market hasn’t made big numbers in a few days, Trump floated a stock split of the entire S&P 500.  “This will be huge for stocks,” Trump said after tweeting yet another ridiculous nickname he came up with at Kamala Harris.

The idea to split the S&P 500 comes after the news of Tesla splitting their stock which resulted in close to a 10% daily gain.

“If we split the S&P 500 every month the market will be up an additional 50% by year-end,” Trump stated.  “And if I’m reelected we will split the S&P 500 every week.”

News that the S&P 500 might split caused stocks to rally.  Investors rotated out of gold and into safe haven tech stocks trading at 10,000 times earnings.

With gold trading down for the week, Peter Schiff launched an activist campaign against the shiny metal.  The proxy filed by Schiff stated how gold needs to do a 40 for 1 stock split, launch an electric vehicle and announce a cure for COVID.