Washington DC – On Friday morning at a press conference, President Donald Trump unveiled a giant stock ticker affixed to the White House facade.
“This stock ticker will be a constant reminder to the great people of America of what’s really important: our stocks,” the President said. He added, “We will get to watch stocks go up to bigly numbers each and every day.”
A large crowd formed at the White House fence starting around 9:30am to watch the ticker tape. People cheered as the S&P 500 climbed ever higher, and others embraced upon the sight of bankrupt Hertz Global Holdings (HTZ) nearly doubling in price.
Other bystanders reported witnessing two Luckin Coffee investors having sexual intercourse on the sidewalk as the stock advanced 37%.
In accordance with the executive order signed Thursday by President Trump, only stocks with positive returns on the day were displayed on the ticker. All others were crossed out with sharpie.
Any company whose stock declined during the trading session was given official notice by the Securities and Exchange Commission that they were being delisted from the exchange. Those companies will also be forced to relocate their corporate headquarters to China within 30 days.
“I look forward to many more milestones in the stock market. Everyone with a 409k is very happy, believe me!” the President declared before boarding Marine One to spend the weekend with rich hedge fund managers at his Mar-a-Lago Resort.