A GOLF COURSE – In the midst of surging coronavirus cases and testing limitations across the United States, President Trump took swift action overnight installing Liberty Medical in a no bid contract to lead the intricate supply chain process that has plagued the US since the start of the pandemic.
“Testing! Testing! Testing!” Trump began his speech to reporters (an allusion to his now-distant “Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” tweets that Lou Dobbs would fawn over after each report was released from the Bureau of Labor Statistics).
“The states have done a terrible job procuring and sourcing tests so I needed to take decisive action. Liberty Medical has had decades of experience as the pre-eminent distributor of diabetes testing supplies so I know they are up for the task. Plus they are AT HOME distributors meaning you can have a long swab jabbed up your nose as you watch your favorite sport and cheer on your favorite non-kneeling athletes on the ABC or NBC family of networks”
Trump says Liberty Mutual has decades of experience
Asked if the surprise announcement had anything to do with the untimely death of 85 year old Wilford Brimley, Trump confirmed that it did. “I can think of no better way to honor the death of this patriot than hand a no bid contract to the company he hawked products for during late 90’s daytime television”
Liberty Medical once boasted over 2,400 employees but eventually filed for bankruptcy in 2013, just a few short years after the now infamous Eastman Kodak. They were acquired by Edgepark in 2017. When asked to elaborate why he used the now defunct name instead of Edgepark, he loudly proclaimed “Branding! Everyone knows the Liberty name. Plus I know a thing or two about promoting bankrupt companies, believe me”
A senior finance reporter questioned whether it was wise to hand over the reins to a private company that retail investors couldn’t speculate on, like the aforementioned Kodak. “Look I know it’s not an ideal situation, but it’s freaking Liberty Medical we are talking about. We may look into helping them out with a quick IPO; we are still monitoring the situation”.