By T. Patrick Murray
Today The Washington Post learned from formerly sealed documents relating to the conviction of former Trump attorney and go-to fixer Michael Cohen that the presidential salary that Trump so loudly reminded the English speaking world multiple times that he would not accept the money because he is just such a really selfless altruistic human being who never does anything for profit or self-aggrandisement.
While half the nation bought that line of manure, the other half – the half without undiagnosed brain injury- was as skeptical regarding the true motives of that gesture, just as they were skeptical that Trump has ever consummated his marriage with Melania.
Well today the truth emerged when testimony from that federal case revealed Cohen admitting that “we only had so many dummy corporations to launder the payoff money through, and many more bimbos to pay off in a manner that didn’t directly come back to implicate the President with arguably the worst tan but the best hair in American history.”
Tasked with creating a solution to pay settlements of the last three adult video stars whose private parts he unilaterally grabbed (as is his inalienable manly right as he has so asserted) Cohen realized that he could divert the salary of the President to make the payments, and in the process, make Trump appear to possibly be an actual human being.
Upon hearing this brilliant plan, Trump remarked “well that’s fine, but honestly, they should be paying me for the night I gave those broads- I’m talking multiples, legit multiples for each… I will never understand why I am persecuted for my extraordinary manhood”.
Whether this new revelation will hurt Trumps re-election chances remains to be seen, but anonymous sources say his Tinder account has been blowing up.