The Internet – Rocking back and forth in a corner after having his 6th panic attack since Twitter went down five minutes ago, Scott, 38, is not having a good day. “I have no idea what to do with my life now that Twitter is gone. Without this constant distraction, the only thoughts I have are how my real life totally sucks.”
Millions across America have experienced the same feelings. “What they heck do I do now,” Samantha Bolton, 23 stated. “Twitter consumes my entire life the moment I wake up, until I go to sleep.” Billy Hampton, 35, said he just keeps refreshing his screen hoping he will see some new tweets. “I’d rather not hang out with my wife. Even a blank screen is more inviting than her.”
According to Twitter executives, the internal system crashed from too many parody FinTwit accounts. “Since the beginning of COVID-19 over one million parody FinTwit accounts have been created. These accounts have overloaded the system and may have permanently damaged our internal coding.”
Several riots erupted across once great American cities, in revolt against the FinTwit Parody accounts. Thousands marched upon D.C. protesting parody FinTwit accounts with popular chants leading the march:
No Justice! No Peace! Too Many Parody Accounts! Need To Be Policed!
In Los Angeles protestors were seen chanting the following:
I say “bring em down,” You say “Parody FinTwit Accounts” Bring em down! Parody FinTwit Accounts! Bring em down! Parody FinTwit Accounts!
Investigative journalists at BuzzFeed stated in a recent report that 90% of FinTwit accounts are controlled by one person.
The person running the rogue John W.B. Rich (Wealthy) account has flooded the system. This account has created over 900,000 parody personalities including a grandmother who trades OTM options, a midget hedge fund manager and even paraplegic deep value investor.
The internet police have put out a warrant for John W.B. Rich (Wealthy) and a reward of $500,000 Dogecoin if found. John Rich is said to be armed with several hundred Wendy’s cheeseburgers and dangerous if he falls on top of you.
In other news, Fastly crashed as investors realized that a money losing company should probably not be valued at $12 billion.
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