Desperate to find another growth market, Dara Khosrowshahi CEO of Uber decided his company would start delivering drugs to addicts in Oregon. “I’m pleased to announce Uber Eats will now deliver meth, heroin and crack in the state of Oregon,” Khosrowshahi stated in a press release to shareholders. “We estimate the total addressable market is over $50 billion in just the state of Oregon.”
Wall Street cheered the news, bidding up Uber’s stock during the trading day Monday to records levels as the company has officially became a legal drug logistics company. “This is like buying Amazon at $2.71,” a useless Motley Fool article stated.
Thousands of drug dealers in the state of Oregon took to Portland to “peacefully” protest. “Big tech firms continue to take our jobs,” Mark Renton, a former drug dealer stated. “Now that I can’t sell crack to twelve year-olds how will I pay my rent?”
Traders took their gains later in the session Monday afternoon after analysts speculated that Amazon will begin delivering cocaine to addicts with their fleet of drones. “The race to become the biggest drug dealer will be like the race to space,” Jeff Bezos stated while hitting a crack pipe in a passing note.