Uber Doordash

With DoorDash making a big splash on its IPO day, many Uber executives are reportedly in a jealous rage. DoorDash ended the day up 83%, while Uber stock advanced a pathetic 1.45%.

At an Uber Diver Hub in San Francisco, employees began burning piles of money to grab Wall Street’s attention. At least $10 million was burned in about 25 minutes, before a homeless man drunkenly extinguished the flame with his urine.

Uber put a press release out letting Wall Street analysts know that the company is “committed to incinerating investor capital at a much faster pace than any other food delivery service.” Uber investor relations personnel hope that the fire will help executives make at least 100% on their stock options in time for Christmas.