Tesla Battery Day

Investigative journalists at TSM has discovered leaked images showing cutting edge batteries ahead of the much anticipated Tesla Battery Day 2020.

Our inside investigations have found that Tesla has pioneered the use of duct tape to remove the standard Panasonic packaging which will improve efficacy by reducing surface area of the battery from 230 microns to 200 microns. This stunning improvement will save 5 grams of total vehicle weight and improve acceleration .0001%. Patents have already been reportedly filed at the US patent offices.

After hearing the news, ATV and motorcycle dealer turned astute Tesla Analyst, Ross Gerber, was unable to contain his excitement as he was unable to dress himself and has been searching social media for closing recommendations since 7:15AM PST.

Gerber was expectedly fawning over this remarkable improvement, and exclaimed that “If you don’t care about the zero to 60 time, do you really care about the planet? Our financial models see this new battery technology to be used across not only Tesla platforms, but all future advances such as the new SpaceX oxygen seals.”

While this may sound similar to the recent Nikola antics, SEC chairman Jay Clayton has previous ruled that fraudulent claims are perfectly legal as long as they don’t appear on the financial statements and the CEO requests the fellatio performance from the chairman.