Universities Declare No Refunds


I, like every real American, want to be a winner. Ever heard of Charles Conrad or Alan L. Bean? Nope? That’s right, because unless your Neil deGrasse Tyson nobody really cares who was second to the moon. Or 3rd. Or any of those other worthless positions. As a wiser man than me once said “if you ain’t first your last”. I hold these sacred words almost as dearly as my bible or the 1911 I keep cocked and locked on my coffee table (ain’t no commies sneaking up on this Patriot).

Therefore, to be winners we must be the best. And what do all the best do, besides Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Cuckerberg, Michael Dell, Evan Williams (the billionaire not the whiskey but they both work here) have in common? Why get a “valuable” degree from a quality school of course!

Remember those awesome SAT/ACT scores you worked so hard to get in high school? Well it paid off and now you’re at that dream college doing the college thing: late nights studying, working the local game stop to pay rent and of course the forced laughter from one of your professors bad jokes. And now here you are, 4 years down the road (5-6 if you are an Aggie), approaching the light at the end of the tunnel.

But as soon as they hand you that degree and you step outside the bloated bureaucracy of academia you come a hard realization; that while you thought you were about to enter the Utopian dream of gainful employment you had really just been sweet talked by those taking your money. Like Sanders “once again asking for your financial support” after espousing the virtues of socialism in Venezuela, you feel that something is quite amiss. Instead of entering the corporate world marbled like the new floors of the engineering building, you entered the dumpster fire and left-over rebar of America’s infrastructure.

Universities like America need that bling bling to keep up appearances. Next time you get that flat tire from the massive pothole on your way to the unemployment office remember the trillions we spent proving we are number #1 in the Middle East. Bush Jr had to show Daddy Bush he was a big boy. And we all know the price between men and boys is the price of their toys, right? I for one believe the spectacular budge created by George W’s flight suit as he landed on the USS Abraham Lincoln to declare victory in the Middle East to be worth the money alone. There is nothing better than sending a message to the world and that message rang loud and clear, American’s got balls world, big sweaty American balls.

Many ask if at the end of the day if it was all worth it. All those research projects you did to set yourself apart from the crowd, the internship you obsessed for months over to obtain, the leadership clubs and the well-worn kneepads from waxing your professors Porsche. Was it all worth it?

To answer that question, Department Head Dr. Mary Richer Ph. D, has offered this guidance, “We understand the economic struggles facing many of our newly graduated students during these uncertain times. We share in your misfortune in that our research funding has been cut. As you all likely know this will severely impact our wine, faulty travel expenses and our ability to settle sexual assault claims. There is even talk of cutting back the ice sculptures in the faculty lounge. As many of you know the Ph. D in my name does not stand for poor, humble doctor. It stands for Phat Dollars! And while you might have thought your work here would lead to a career, what we know for sure is that your part in my career is over and we do not offer refunds.”

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