Riley Reid

It has been a tumultuous couple of weeks for the CEO of Robinhood, Vladimir Tenev, who found himself on the wrong side of the common man after embarking on an irony-soaked bout of thievery—to ensure his hedge fund buddies could afford to maintain their fourth string yachts.

Fortunately for Tenev, this is America and not France. The French would have shown up at his front door with pitchforks and Molotov cocktails—and not left until he personally reimbursed them every last cent they had yoloed away.

But as Childish Gambino said, “This is America.” So instead—all we did was go online and complain. Anyway. I digress.

It was actually on one of those aforementioned yachts that Tenev met his latest business partner. He saw her from across the ship—and while he couldn’t quite put his finger on it, he just knew he knew her from somewhere. But when she turned and he spotted the three ‘X’s’ tattooed on the back of her left shoulder it hit him. Tenev readjusted his pants and went over, introduced himself, then promptly invited Riley Reid back to his condo.

Unsurprisingly, she declined—as she was off put by the wet spot on crotch of his pants.

Tenev, no stranger to crisis management, pivoted and explained it was not a rendezvous he was after (at this point) but a business opportunity. A new fortune. One even grander than the last he’d snatched from the hands of Silicon Valley’s wealthiest investors and the common folk alike.

“ClitCoin!” He exclaimed. “You are on Twitter, surely you have heard of BitCoin. It is just like that—only with less intrinsic value and more memes!”

Riley Reid was not ecstatic about the idea—or the branding, but when Tenev offered her $100,000 up front, provided she signed an NDA, which included any mention of his pass at her, she softened her stance.