Wall Street Creates Security To Short Chicago


CHICAGO – Expressing a sense of fear over widespread riots across Chicago, Investment Banks on Wall Street worked through the night to create a financial security allowing investors to short Chicago.

“Our top analysts worked through the night,” James Sweeney, a managing director of Goldman Sachs stated.  “We have finally created a financial security that will allow Wall Street to short Chicago.”

The financial security is a type of collateralized debt obligation (“CDO”) called an “SCG” or Short Chicago to the Ground instrument.  The SCG effectively allows investors to bet on the downfall of Chicago.

The SCG was launched this morning at $100/unit and quickly rose to $425/unit as chaos reigned across downtown Chicago.

But despite the widespread violence seen across Downtown Chicago, the only thing being done by leadership is arresting people going to the beach.

“It’s called a pandemic, people. This reckless behavior on Montrose Beach is what will cause us to shut down the parks and lakefront. Don’t make us take steps backwards.” – Lori Lightfoot


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