Wall Street – A local Wall Street Hero announced today that he is planning to launch a fund that is “Anti-ESG”. ESG stands for Environmental, Social and Governance. The Wall Street Hero is essentially only going to invest in companies that are “bad” for the environment, have horrible social standings and have horrendous corporate governance practices.

“We are calling our fund Oily Turtles,” said the Wall Street Hero. “It’s essentially a play on words. Our firm is basically 50% levered to the offshore oil industry. To be Anti-ESG, we are looking for companies that are deliberately going to dump oil on sea turtles.”

The Wall Street Hero has already identified hundreds of companies that will fit the firms Anti-ESG strategy. One company Oily Turtles recently took a major position in is a diamond mine in the African continent.

“The diamond mine is a perfect example of our Anti-ESG strategy. The mine utilizes young children to get diamonds and pays them scraps of food every night. The gross margins on this mine are unbelievable.”

Here is a list of a few things Oily Turtles looks for in potential investments:

  • Board of directors must make at least 10x the pay of the lowest hourly employee
  • Board of directors must only constitute of old balding white men (no women or minorities)
  • Fossil fuels – Oily Turtles love the oil and coal industries
  • Glassdoor reviews must be horrible – pay must suck, zero benefits, turnover high, no sexual harassment prevention, zero diversity, no higher purpose or mission outside of profits, zero public stance on social justice issues, etc.
  • Unethical supply chain sourcing, i.e. no conflict-free materials – huge benefit if materials and supplies are sourced from children in foreign countries
  • Anti-climate change – extra points if the CEO bashes Greta Thunberg on Twitter
  • Goals of producing as much greenhouse gas emissions as possible
  • Executives who have a history of sabotaging green and renewable energy projects
  • Multiple classes of stock – super voting shares
  • Chairman and CEO are same position
  • Horrible relationship with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (“SEC”)

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Source of Featured Image: Wolf of Wall Street