What Crash? Samsung Numbers Soar As Monitor Stacking Demand Heats Up


In a market that has seen tech stocks take a drubbing and capex funding sink like the Bernie Bros hope at a brokered convention, Samsung has defied the dizzying fall of their compeers with numbers that have fintwits scratching their heads–and private parts–over the just released figures.

Samsung US has reported MOM increases in top line revenue of 62%, a number that even Samsung execs had trouble digesting at first, according to Yoon “Young Artichoke” Chung-in, Samsung US’s CFF (Chief Financial Flogger). “While we were on a four-hour hold with our tech folks to see if there was a glitch that fudged the numbers, we noticed all the enhanced revenue came out of just one division: desktop monitors.” 

Yoon says a closer look provided the answer. “All of the big revenue was coming from hedge funds, brokerages and other financial intermediates. Turns out they were all having to stack two or three desktop monitors for each trading station to extend the lower bound of the bar charts that were running off their existing monitors.”

The downside kick in the nuts was so swift and unexpected no one had stockpiled additional screens to handle the downdraft. Things got so tight at Robinhood Financial LLC they were forced to trade precious toilet paper from the executive washroom for more screen deliveries, an unnamed source has told this reporter.

Samsung appears to have eliminated most of the back orders by press time but a knock-on effect of the buying binge has emerged. Carpenters and other woodworkers are in the catbird seat for the time being as huge numbers of office desks have to be quartersawn to accommodate the extended monitor display. While a few traders have managed to work laying on their side on the floor with the monitors in landscape mode, most of these highly specialized professionals were unable to find their computer’s settings function let alone change the display’s orientation.

–Rayford Sawdust– 

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