FinTwit Hunk

If you’re like me, you’re tired of the East Village bar bathrooms, the highway truck stops, and the adult bookstores- you’re looking for real love.

So where are all the good men? On Fintwit of course.

But with so many men to choose from, how can you narrow down the field to find the man of your dreams?

Take this peer-reviewed empirically-researched longitudinal survey to answer the most important question- Which hot Fintwit hunk is right for you?

Which asset class defines your entire personality?

  1. Bitcoin

  2. Bitcoin, but somehow dumber

  3. Special Purpose Acquisition Companies

  4. Gold

A homeless man on the street asks you for change. What does your man do?

  1. “Sorry, I’m out of Fiat.”

  2. “We’re all looking for change, my friend. And if you work hard and never depend on the government, you can achieve that change.”

  3. Recite nonsensical rap lyrics

  4. Gold

What’s the dumbest idea you’ve had?

  1. The government should buy $500 worth of crypto for everyone’s retirement

  2. We should mine asteroids in space for precious metals

  3. $CLOV is not a scam

  4. Gold

What does it take for you to admit you’re wrong?

  1. I’m never wrong

  2. I’m never wrong

  3. I’m never wrong

  4. Gold

What does your ideal man look like?

  1. A used car salesman mixed with a telemarketer

  2. The bully from an 80’s high school comedy

  3. Six pack abs and chicken legs

  4. Gold

What turns you on?

  1. Decentralization

  2. Charging users 12% round-trip fees to buy and sell cryptocurrency on your app

  3. Gavin Newsome recall votes

  4. Gold

Where do you go on your first date?

  1. A sports bar to watch sportball and talk about sporting events

  2. The Harvard Club on Manhattan’s West Side

  3. A Michelin starred restaurant where he reminds you he knows the chef every 27 seconds

  4. Gold

How does your ideal first date end?

  1. Having sex, but he holds his phone the entire time to ensure he doesn’t miss a Bitcoin price milestone

  2. “We are going to have sex. Few understand this.”

  3. You try to get him to come upstairs for sex but he insists on taking you in public

  4. Gold

Your man talks dirty to you in bed. What does he say?

  1. “Say I’m non-fungible. SAY IT”

  2. “Mmmm… bigger than my brother’s”

  3. “Bout to give you the PIPE”

  4. “Gold”

If your answers were mostly A’s, your hot Fintwit hunk is… Anthony Pompliano

He’s a bad boy who will love you as much as he hates the government assisting poor people. You’ll burn with passion every morning as he sends out his typo filled, stream of consciousness newsletter to over 100,000 dummy email addresses. He’s breaking hearts, pumping crypto, and genuinely believes his own bullshit.

If your answers were mostly B’s, your hot Fintwit hunk is… Tyler Winkelvoss

Don’t be fooled by Tyler’s rugged good looks; he’s a sensitive, sweet, emotional man who has no fucking idea what he’s talking about. He’ll listen to you, validate your feelings, and make you feel heard while saying shit so dumb your IQ will drop by 35%.

If your answers were mostly C’s, your hot Fintwit hunk is… Chamath Palihapitiya

You need a man who believes in himself; who believes in his mission; who believes that he can change the world; who is so clearly overcompensating for something he sweats insecurity from his chiseled abs.

If your answers were mostly D’s, your hot Fintwit hunk is… Peter Schiff

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