We are in a state of environmental doom. Time is running out. Who can we turn to in these troubled times other than our faithful Swedish teenager who enjoys carbon neutral yachting? Our Savior has spoken to us simpletons and it is time to WAKE UP!

With almost a third of the Netherlands being situated below sea level, the Dutch would face an existential crisis if sea levels were to rise even 1 meter (that’s 3.28 feet for those that only deal in freedom units).

The threat of rising sea levels poses a catastrophic financial liability to beach front property all around the globe and certainly takes priority over the more than 2 billion souls that still use animal dung for cooking fuel due to energy poverty.

Fortunately for these energy starved folks, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is supporting the diversification of poop burning with their “Reinvent the Toilet Challenge”. This will allow these poor souls to cook their food using their own feces, thus allowing full cycle “clean” energy.

Speaking of clean energy, you know what is ruining golf courses all around the world in the name of preventing rising sea levels? Windmills! And who is historically anti sea level rise but pro windmills?

THE DUTCH And Their Stupid Windmills

That is right, those wooden shoed, chocolate fingered, tulip mania market bubble making, spice traders who think mayo is spicy, people. As we all learned in the classic movie Austin Powers: Goldmember the Dutch are to be hated, not trusted.

And this is exactly my problem with windmills. They have been around for centuries yet now suddenly they are the future? Hmmmmm….. something just does not add up here and I think a little Dutch boy might be what is behind it. Windmills are the sky’s version of the dolphin catching tuna nets of the seas.

Once again appealing to the morals taught in our favorite cinematography, the marvelous movie Marry Poppins taught us to “feed the birds”, not whack them out of the sky with huge fiber glass and steel windmills.

As more and more of these killer machines that reign death upon Earth’s most virtuous high flying creatures appear around the globe, one has to wonder what is the ultimate purpose to these big fans?

I propose a full investigation into the dealings of the Dutch and any others dead set on destroying the scenic views of coastlines. These WMD’s (Windmills of Mass Ductchness) are not completely green like some like to propose.

Countries such as Germany are starting to discover that the fiber glass portions of the turbine blades pose a significant environmental threat due to their difficulty to recycle. Do we really need more wastelands of end of life cycle turbine blades when our oceans are already full of plastics? Time will tell if we will destroy the world with dinosaur juice or “clean” energy strip mining.