Alex Jones Starts An Activist Hedge Fund

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After realizing he was the real life Eric Cartman, Alex Jones decided it was time to start an activist hedge fund.  “It’s time to take my anger into the public equities space,” a shirtless Alex Jones shouted from a megaphone.  “I’m confident I can create MASSIVE value.”

Since floating the idea of launching an activist hedge fund, Jones raised over $1 billion in less than 24 hours.  Investors like BlackRock, Bridgewater and even Mr. Wonderful have invested.

“How could I not invest in an Alex Jones activist hedge fund,” Mr. Wonderful stated.  “If Alex Jones ever ran a proxy contest on any company I ran, I would meet his demands immediately.  That shirtless man is absolutely nuts!”

Shirtless Capital Management plans to run proxy campaigns on undervalued small-cap stocks.  The hedge fund will look for companies with entrenched board members, grossly overpaid executive teams and assets selling less than intrinsic value.

“My plan is to write nasty letters to the board of directors asking them to meet my demands,” Jones stated.  “If they fail to meet my demands I will show up to their office shirtless and scream in their face with a megaphone until they die.”

Alex was last seen outside of Neel Kashkari’s office screaming into a megaphone about how the Federal Reserve was destroying the U.S. Dollar and throwing piles of cow poop at oncoming cars.

 



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