BlackRock

NEW YORK, NY – The world’s largest asset manager announced support for the LGTBQ+ equality movement Thursday by ratcheting up rent an average of 30% across its broadening real estate rental portfolio. Buoyed by record low interest rates and the need for humans to live in a physical space, BlackRock has snapped up hundreds of thousands of single-family houses over the past year to highlight their belief in “basic human right for all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender expression to pay higher rent.”

“The time is now for equality,” said BlackRock real estate Portfolio Manager George Miser, “and at BlackRock we are proud to announce that all genders, all sexualities, and all people are now free to pay us almost a third more for housing than they had to last year.”

BlackRock and other institutional investment funds have been gobbling up entry-level real estate assets since at least 2015 as an alternative vehicle for boosting yields given the anemic bond market. This has helped contribute to American housing costs to more than double over the last 10 years, pushing many families into poverty. Since LGTBQ+ members as a class are over-represented in the lowest quartile of US incomes, these moves have disproportionately impacted the group.

Despite this fact, LGBTQ+ leaders applauded BlackRock’s announcement, particularly the care that they placed in the language used to state that rents would be increased across the board.

“BlackRock (she/her) has now established herself as a true ally of the movement,” said LGBTQ+ activist AngelX F-the-Patriarchy. “Changing her U.S. and European logo to a rainbow and respecting the gender expression of her tenants earns her the right to charge a significant rent premium to members of the community. I am proud to pay an additional several hundred dollars a month in exchange for supporting a company that respects our language.”

When asked if institutional investment firms pushing up the prices of entry-level housing was likely to have any negative effects on LGBTQ+ people, F-the-Patriarchy shrugged, replying “economics is just another tool of the cis-white male oligopoly, and that’s why I don’t give it any attention – and neither should you.”