CalPERS Hertz
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

California – “I thought I was making a really good investment,” Pat Maweini, Portfolio Manager of The California Public Employees’ Retirement System (“CalPERS”) stated.  I recently read Security Analysis by Ben Graham this spring and thought buying high and selling higher was how you made money.  Hertz looked pretty attractive at $5.50 so I bought.”

Pat Maweini, 28, was a rising star at the fund, becoming to youngest portfolio manager in the firm’s history.  During the past eight years, Pat has helped invest the pension’s assets into hot millennial investments like ESG and bitcoin.

“I was the one who transitioned CalPERS’ assets over to Robinhood’s trading platform.  I looked like a genius when I saved our firm a few dollars for every trade we made.”

Pat Maweini said he ended up tripling the portion of the pension he managed when he rode bitcoin up from $1,000 to $19,000 a couple years ago.  “I felt like a genius,” Pat said.  “I ended up making CalPERS the most money the firm has ever made.  And then I went long Hertz and it was the worst investment decision I have ever made.”

By early June, Pat was managing $5 billion for CalPERS.  “I got cocky and went all in on margin at $5.50,” Pat said.  “I lost CalPERS over $2.5 billion in less than a day.”

Seconds after Pat put over $5 billion into CalPERS, Hertz was halted.

“So apparently stocks can go bankrupt,” Pat said.  “It would have been nice to know that before I went all in.”

CalPERS has put Pat Maweini on involuntary leave for his reckless investment decision.  But rumors suggest there is a deeper problem at the pension.  “I’m fairly confident these guys have been tail-coating Dave Portnoy into trades,” Tara Holenme, financial reporter at the LA Times stated.  “It’s only a matter of time until those trades blow up.”