Chicago Police Lumber

Rumors are flying that the Chicago Police Department is long lumber futures and has been the biggest buyers of lumber for the past year.

“Our research indicates that the CPD has been accumulating lumber futures for their pension account for over a year in anticipation of further riots,” Sarah Zak, analyst at Morgan Stanley stated. “In fact, right before any well publicized shooting there is an incredible amount of volume of lumber traded.”

A secretary at the Chicago Police Department stated that she saw some of the cops day trading lumber futures in the breakroom. “They were saying how they were long lumber futures,” the secretary stated. “Then one joked about how they needed to shoot an unarmed transgender mixed baby so they could make lots of money.”

But the big questions remains: is it insider trading if cops buy lumber futures right before shooting an unarmed kid? Dave Hoffman, a security analyst for Goldman Sachs says, no.

“It’s called creating your own catalyst. The way to win in the market is to take the bull by the horns and shoot every unarmed civilian in sight. That is right before loading up on lumber futures.”