Columbia University

The Student Senate of Columbia University have established a scholarship fund through the university for everyone who identifies as a “person of non-color” or PONC.

The administration cited the fact that there were many scholarships barring those who identified as “White” or “Non Student Athlete” from applying.  This means that there were many students who were unable to earn a scholarship, and student loans levels were increasing across the PONC demographic.

Requirements are as follows:

  • Photo/Video Proof of following list
    • Must have two parents who are married (with marriage certificate)
    • Run at your fastest, a 7 second 40
    • Minimum of 15 polos in your closet
    • Extensive Sperry collection
    • Hunter’s Safety Certificate
    • Video of singing “Take Me Home Country Roads” at a party
    • Drake listed as your favorite rapper on Facebook
    • Passage of golf etiquette test
  • Ongoing Eligibility Requirements
    • GPA above 2.5, but no higher than 3.5
    • Credit score above 700
    • Must be seen on campus with a Chai tea once a week
    • Monthly visits to Therapist
    • Be currently in treatment for depression and anxiety disorders
    • Active member of Fraternity or Sorority
    • Member of the Bowling Club, Ping Pong Club, or Billiards Club
    • Piss hot on random Cocaine drug tests

If you qualify for this scholarship, and are currently enrolled in Columbia University, consider applying.  When asked for a statement, the Chancellor said, “We are looking for the most milktoast, hipster glasses wearing, middle class kids we can find.  We believe it is unfair to offer scholarships to athletes unless we match it with scholarships for white people.”