THE WOODLANDS, TX – The Bald Eagle, Oak Tree, Rose, and North American Bison look to be getting company. In a surprise move, President Donald Trump issued an executive order today proclaiming that shale will become a national symbol of the United States joining an exclusive list of items that conjure up feelings of patriotism and the true ideals of America.
Speaking to an exclusive group of energy executives, including Accidental Petroleum’s Vicki Hollub, Trump declared “Shale, along with fracking, have long since been synonymous with American ingenuity, greatness, capitalism and its commitment to safety. These are great people, these oil people.”
Questioned if the high cost of extraction makes shale a more unenviable oil, Trump retorted “Listen, anything that costs a lot to make has to be good. Plus I’ve already declared oil is $40 a barrel. Any company that can’t make money at $40 a barrel prices shouldn’t be in the business, should try and make up for it in volume, or should buy USO. The oil that flows out of Saudi Arabia and Russia is cheap and of low quality. Their spigots are looser than Jerome Powell’s printer and Stormy Daniels’ you know what. Anything you can get that cheap is no good, believe me.”
Asked “why Shale as opposed to another type of oil?”, the President noted that his National Science advisors informed him that Shale specifically comes exclusively from Tyrannosaurus Rex fossils, which were clustered around the Alamo State 65 million years ago. “The T-Rex was my favorite dinosaur growing up and think it represents America’s superiority quite well. Plus they were carnivores. In America we eat meat. We eat meat and speak English.” Jim Acosta could be heard sneering “and you both have small hands too” in the corner of the room.
Hinds Howard peppered Trump, “How do you think this will affect MLP’s?” Trump, a bit bewildered by the question, responded “I don’t know what Major League Baseball has to do with oil but I’m hoping our great pastime returns soon. Without sports and the Dow Jones, what is America?”
Not everyone was thrilled with the announcement. Reverend Jesse Jackson slammed the move and asked Trump if he thought “it was wise to promote a black rock” fearing that it could “provoke memories of slavery and oppression”. The president responded forcefully. “On the contrary I think this move will push race relations forward by 10, 20 years. Plus did you see the lowest black unemployment rate prior to the virus?”
A sea of cool wine aunts were seen stumbling towards the event to protest as the press conference concluded.
Written by Sardonic Observer
