Elementary school forced to take possession of ten million barrels of oil


St. Louis, Missouri – “I thought I was making a really good investment,” Mark Hilton, Superintendent of Sherwood Elementary school stated.  “I read The Intelligent Investor this winter and thought buying low and selling high was how you made money.  Oil look pretty attractive at $20/bbl so I bought.”


Mark Hilton, 45, has been the Superintendent of Sherwood Elementary school in St. Louis, Missouri for ten years.  During the past ten years Mark Hilton has invested Sherwood’s endowment in index funds with help of a financial advisor.  This year Sherwood’s endowment changed strategies after Mr. Hilton read, The Intelligent Investor.


“I read The Intelligent Investor three times this past winter and thought I was an expert stock picker.  When oil crashed to $20/bbl I bought ten million barrels.”


Mr. Hilton said he doubled Sherwood’s endowment in a few months shorting the S&P 500 right before the economic collapse.  “I felt like a genius,” Mark said.  “Then I went long oil and it was the worst decision I ever made.  I had no idea I had to take possession of these barrels when the May contracts expired.”


Sherwood Elementary school now has the responsibility to take contract of 10 million barrels of oil.  “I have no idea where we are going to put all of this oil,” Mr. Hilton said lowering his head in shame.  “I think I can put 200,000 barrels in the school but after that I have no idea what to do.”


Sherwood Elementary school has put Mr. Hilton on involuntary leave of absence for his reckless investment decision.  If you have any ideas where Sherwood Elementary can store 10 million barrels of oil don’t hesitate to call the district.


Success! You're on the list.


  1. This was quite the coup, with the global famine looming on the horizon. Sherwood Elementary can convert their newly acquired oil holdings to cafeteria lunches. Considering 1 gallon of gas contains 31.5k calories, this should be plenty to feed their students over the coming years as food shortages and the Great Depression pt 2 ravage our country (see source). Moreover, gasoline contains ethanol, aka corn, meaning it serves as both an entree AND a vegetable.

    Thank you Mark for taking care of our children and Keeping America Great Again!

    Source: WSJ (http://home.dejazzd.com/kgard/bcn/calories_in_gallon.html)

  2. I think you are really onto something here. We should def consider feeding kids (especially the dumb ones) lots of oil. This would solve global food shortages worldwide! I think you need to become a contributor to this site sir!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.