Eloise Williams, the psychotic grandmother of FinTwit, was reported to fake her own death yesterday evening. The person who runs her Twitter account posted the following “cryptic” message:
It is with nothing but a broken heart to inform you all that my husband, who ran this account, tragically passed away this afternoon.
While I am unaware of the extent of his interactions with you all, it was obvious that each of you brought him nothing but joy.
— Senator Eloise Williams CFA, MBA, PHD (doctor), ? (@thestinkmarket) December 2, 2020
According to Eloise herself, who is sunbathing nude in Boca Raton, Florida and not dead (only wasted on Steel Reserve), said she did it to collect life insurance proceeds so she could go balls deep in Tesla Calls.
“It was a once in a life time opportunity that I had to do. I’ll pay all the stupid fines associated with life insurance fraud. And I’m not worried about going to prison. I’m 87 and can suck a mad hog.”
Despite the rather “cryptic” and absolutely sociopathic joke, it has brought out love in the FinTwit community. “I think they are all a bunch of sissies,” Eloise stated. “Crying over an old hag that wouldn’t think twice about robbing them at gun point and sleeping with their significant other. Geeze.”
However, during Eloise’s absent time on FinTwit she went on a drinking and drug bender where in her words, “I tried every drug known to man” and actually ended up dying. Fortunately, she was revived by her trustworthy medical crew headed by Dr. Parik (“Patrick”) Patel.
Others celebrated the fake death. Ross Gerber, boy wonder, cheered after learning of Eloise’s death as he realized he was now the biggest parody account left on twitter.
Another fan of Eloise and The Stonk Market stated, “it would’ve been a far more believable stunt if she had not come to my doorstep to evict me immediately after tweeting.”
When asked if she regretted the crude and disgusting joke, Eloise spat in our face and passed out on a $10 dollar steak at Denny’s. She later made the following statement.
“I’ve always wanted to Tom Sawyer myself. As you all know, in the Great Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Tom fakes his own death then collects a massive life insurance policy. He then uses this policy to buy call options on Tesla where he makes a fortune. Tom later turns into Trevor Milton and creates electric powered guns which helps the Union win the Civil War. This has been my dream since I was a little girl. To Tom Sawyer myself, become really rich and donate profits to the brave veterans of the Marijuana and Hog Wars (Mak and Mama Lace) .”
The following picture was taken the night Eloise pretended to fake her death in a celebration of her brave contribution to the Marijuana Wars of ’76.